SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.

   One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"

   I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.

   No one will think you're boring if you walk around all day wearing a deployed parachute

   I love when people make a photo of their kid as their Facebook profile pic so it's like a baby is screaming about gun rights.

   There's a small section in Paul Ryan's budget plan that makes it legal for the Koch brothers to hunt poors. Google it.

   Rush Limbaugh says CBS hiring Stephen Colbert is an "assault on traditional American values," like drug use, gluttony, sexism and lying.

   Here's hoping the wind at your back doesn't come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

   Got a call from the IRS this morning, the lady asked me why I sent a condom in with my taxes, I said I figured if I am getting f%ck%d, might as well be safe about it.....

   My last girlfriend wanted more excitement in our relationship so I gave her a couple of opportunities to escape the basement.

   There is a person out there for everyone. Your person just happens to be three cats.

   My kid's new teacher asked me to describe his personality so I just videotaped me crying and taking shots of Vodka.

   When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

   Can someone's face be a pet peeve?

   My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614

   Girls spend 20 minutes eating dinner and 40 figuring out who owes what.

   I could be an Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it."

   It sucks when you wanna throw a brick at someone's face, but you can't, because you don't have a brick.

   Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you're still alive.

   Been throwing up gang signs at my mom all morning. Now she won't make me lunch.