Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   Being polite and rational - a woman's ultimate warning sign something is wrong.

   I'm at my most popular when I just want to be alone.

   Thanks to coffee I'm no longer exhausted. I'm alert and exhausted instead.

   Pro death penalty - If you don't value other people's lives, why the hell should they value yours?

   please take down your engagement photos I'M ALLERGIC

   Any day now I expect to look up from my phone and meet my grandkids.

   There is a man eating fries with a fork and airport security is doing nothing about it.

   An intervention, but for your selfies.

   The quickest way to a man's heart is to saw through the thoracic cage of ribs and sternum, and then penetrate the pericardium

   Don't hate me because I'm single. Hate me because you are married.

   I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

   “B*tch don't kill my vibe” – me talking to my phone battery.

   Another fine day ruined by responsibility.

   The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.

   Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

   Cmon kid, do or say something funny already. Daddy needs a new Facebook Status Update.

   Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.

   You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.

   Sex so good you forget which species you are.

   According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.