Baddie Funny Status Messages

   My last relationship ended when she asked me to take out the trash and I said, ok… where do you want to go?

   I'm not a player, I just tuck a lot. ~Transvestites

   Politicians are like prostitutes; they get paid to pretend they like people while they are screwing them.

   Condoms definitely lessen the pleasure but kids kill it altogether.

   The MTV Movie Awards are a great reminder of why kids should never be allowed to vote.

   There's no 'i' in 'team' but there's 7 of them in, "Everyone in this office is an idiot and I work better by myself."

   Girl's facebook status: I'm done with this sh!t.. Me: Did you wipe?

   My phone number is 1 digit away from a local pizza place. I still take people's orders, because I hate people who can't use a phone properly.

   Sexual frustration should recharge phone batteries.

   The older you get, the better you are at doing, but the worse you look doing it.

   Hey baby, did it hurt when you fell from your parents' lofty expectations?

   Lonely and unloved? There's a cat for that.

   If you keep your child on a leash in public, I will not hesitate to ask "Does he bite?"

   I just want to find someone that doesn't deserve my affection so I don't feel guilty when I treat them like sh!t.

   A good woman can make you feel macho, strong and able to take on the world. Oh sorry… that's vodka… vodka does that.

   My daughter ran into the wall, fell, got up, and ran into the same wall. Thank god she's pretty.

   I'm single because I'm pretty good at recognizing crazy.

   Just watched a minute of Gossip Girl and suddenly I got a call from some Salon to confirm my manicure & pedicure appointment.

   "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife.

   Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.