Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Sex is like air... it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

   You ever check your weight before and after you sh!t? I tried it and I gained weight. I think I did something seriously wrong.

   Went to see a fortune teller earlier, as she gazed into the crystal ball she said "You'll never have any more children." ...Then the f*cking thing rolled off the table and crushed my balls!

   Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people "Happy Birthday," ever.

   The people I went to high school with got really old looking.

   I hate when I look in the mirror and see an adult.

   The guy next to me just ordered a shot of Jacks Daniels and a chaser of Italian dressing. I can't decide if he's crazy or a genius.

   It must be impossible to stand out as a prostitute working on Halloween.

   What happens in Vegas (losing your money) stays in Vegas (all your money).

   I've been poor and happy and now I'm ready to be rich and miserable. Gimme!

   My friend pointed out the other day, that the book/film "New Moon" is bassically just one girls choice between Beastiality, or Necrophilia... hope that gives you ladies out there a little perspective on "romance."

   WWE: 2 people fighting over a belt even though neither of them is wearing pants.

   I want to be rich enough to realize that I can't buy happiness.

   The name brand bologna was on sale and actually cheaper than the store brand today but I still bought the store brand because I don't want my family getting used to such luxuries...

   I have a friend with only one eye. I like to show him weird sh*t and tell him "You won't believe your eye!"

   Please stop picturing me naked... I haven't even brushed my teeth yet!

   I like to think that when you die, you get to see your stats and high scores like at the end of a video game.

   you know it wasn't always called bipolar, it once was called being a b!tch

   Actually it only takes me 1 drink to get drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the 14th or 15th.

   A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.