Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m done with my 90 Day trial of 2020! How Do I Cancel my Membership?

   "Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam

   ‪I need a tax person who’s not afraid of prison. ‬

   Everyone romaine calm and lettuce pray.

   I like being invited to things, it’s the showing up that bothers me.

   Why is it I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while bears get to use Charmin?

   "Thank-you Robert Kraft and R. Kelly!" - Jussie Smollett

   Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

   I'm no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

   Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

   Single white sock seeks same.

   I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don't own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

   As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

   It's so cold out I walked into my bank and the tellers were wearing ski masks

   Know how old I am? I still owe Blockbuster $2 for not rewinding St. Elmo's Fire.

   Common sense is so rare this days, it should almost be classified as a superpower

   Countries should not send athletes to the Olympics as a reward, but should send stupid people as a punishment. Your annoying coworker? Ski jumping. Natural selection as its best

   I just saved a$1,375.00 on my Visa card by not going to Disney World .

   Today I am contemplating how much longer I would live if someone shouted "Run for your life!"

   Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.