Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.

   Dear Face Wash Commercials, nobody actually splashes their face with water like that. Sincerely, my whole damn bathroom floor is wet.

   Whenever someone says to me "You look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I say, "Do you watch porn?"

   When I saw my new girlfriend for the first time, it was like looking at a fine piece of priceless art. So I took her home and nailed her against the wall.

   What's with all these Facebook quizzes? Does it look like I give a shlt about what type of chocolate I am?

   Marriage is like a casino... You go in all excited and optimistic, you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself.

   Make sure your goals are unattainable so you'll feel a little better about giving up later.

   Who says potheads are lazy?? I know a lot of em have to wake up a half hour early just to get stoned.

   My job on Fridays: Working just hard enough that the screen-saver doesn't come on.

   I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.

   I was born in the 70's.......which means the Doctor probably needed to use a weed whacker to get me out!

   If you don't wake up, eat & then go back to sleep, you're doing Sunday wrong.

   We're all part of the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.

   When the hell did I get drunk and married to Google? I can barely get a word out now before it tries to finish my sentence...

   In the South we don't pay no attention to that stupid ground hog. We go out and look at the bush hog, if there is frost on it, it's still cold... dammit.

   To my neighbor dude who just saw me smoking outside without pants on: I'm sorry. To his wife: You're welcome.

   Facebook now has 901 million users and I'm pretty sure all of them have invited me to play FarmVille.

   Sometimes I like to re---post my statuses that didn't get any "Likes"... because they deserve a second chance too.

   When non-smokers come to My house, I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke.

   When I see people outside, smoking in freezing temperatures, it makes me wonder what else I can get them to do.