hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   i'm giving up dryer sheets for lint

   When life gives you melons you have dyslexia

   Sure, I'll attend your expensive pre-divorce ceremony

   Thesaurus .cōm is down which is inconvenient and also inconvenient.

   a police uniform is just another gang color

   I'm only here for the alibi.

   The fact that the voice in my head yells whenever I read something thats in all capital letter kinda DISTURBS ME.

   Boss: You drunk? Me: No I'm totally "sober" Him: Did you do air quotes when you said sober? Me: What? No. Look, I need to get back to "work"

   I put the "semen" in "amusement park". And that is why I am no longer welcome at Six Flags.

   Ladies. Want to know if you're pretty? If a male cop has ever given you a ticket, then no, you're not.

   People who over exaggerate literally make me want to shoot myself in the face 287 billion times.

   Fun Fact: the seven letters of "rainbow" stand for the different colors! Red, arange, iellow, neen, blue, ondigo, and wiolet. I'm drunk.

   Last night I watched a TV show about burritos spinning in a circle for 2 hours before I realized I was really high & staring at my microwave

   Next time your at your friends house steal his remote control. Every so often drive by his house and change the channell on his TV.

   "good goin' there einstein" "yeah way to go, einstein!" "nice move, einstein!" - the Einstein family reunion annual softball game

   It's Saturday night, which means I am higher than the national debt.

   Just saw the trailer for "Noah." I hear The Book is better.

   My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white man who looked nothing like me. So I totally get it now. Oh wait that's not my waiter.

   Why the hell is a group of Kangaroos NOT called a Kangacrew?

   Every day is free Slurpee day if you own a shotgun.