g0re Funny Status Messages

   It sucks when the trailer makes a movie seem funny but when you watch it you realize that literally all the funny parts were just in the trailer.

   Hallmark movies give un-attractive, single girls false hope.

   The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"

   It would be horrible if Facebook connected to Google and posted what you are searching for.

   Guys: When you're watching your friend play a single player game, you secretly hope they die.

   3am text message "Hey are you asleep?" No I'm scuba diving, what the hell do you want?

   Waking up at 7:00 always seems better than waking up at 6:59.

   I'm not shy. I'm just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouh to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment$ directed at you will immediately spew from within me.

   You know you're wasting your life on the Internet when you keep coming back to the same sites because you can't think of anything else to do.

   Cookie Monster has probably kidnapped a ton of girl scouts.

   So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl online. Shes funny, flirty and sexy. Now she tells me shes an undercover cop, how cool is that for someone her age?

   People complain too much on airplanes. like "For real? I cant get hi speed internet?! AND MY CHAIR DOESNT LEAN BACK!" .... "Dude, you are sitting in a chair... IN THE GOD DAMN SKY!"

   Girls just want to have funds.

   It's a facebook status, not an opportunity to spill your whole life story and look for everybody's pity

   To do list: go to a bank wearing a ski mask. complete a normal transaction. leave as if nothing happened.

   There comes a time when you just look at yourself in the mirror, and say" f**k it, this is as good as it's gonna get."

   I wanna have a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted.

   Daughter: Dad I'm a lesbian Dad: ok it's cool.. Second daughter: I'm also a lesbian Dad: Christ! Doesn't anyone in this family love c0ck? Son: I do!

   We all have that face when we try to look happy when we open a birthday card with no money.

   You know what's beautiful? Read the first word again.