Huck Funny Status Messages

   If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.

   My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.

   What's worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?

   I can't even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.

   Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta

   If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins

   Hey people still doing fireworks. My dog hates you.

   I didn't sign up for the 401k at work, because there's no way I can run that far.

   I love how the internet has improved people's grammar far more then any English teacher has. If you write "your" instead of "you're" in a English class all you get is a red mark.... Mess up on the Internet just once, and may God have mercy on your soul.

   "Oh my gosh! A giant face just destroyed my house! Now he seems to be doing some weird dance?" - spiders

   My dog acts pretty tough for someone who's afraid of cotton balls

   I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad

   Fun thing to do #47 When you see someone on one knee tying their shoe stand in front of them and say "YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES"

   Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.

   Dear iTunes and Adobe, Would it not be more time efficient to just tell us when you are NOT updating?

   Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years

   My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.

   This is normally when Tony Romo is visited by 3 ghosts. The ghost of December Failures past, present and future.

   I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers

   I'm reading the ingredients on a can of dog food, and I'm shocked to see that 17% of it is "kids' homework".