Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   I can tell by the way you give me instructions that you've dealt with a lot of dumb people before me.

   I was trying to make a sandwich. But I'm all out of vodka.

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back knocking on your door with two police officers, you'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

   I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.

   If someone doesn't stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it's totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.

   Just heard someone on the porch, hopefully this is just a home invasion and not some unexpected company

   The only way your world is ending on the 21st is if you get married that day.

   It's no coincidence that you have never seen a hunger strike for the legalization of marijuana.

   If I haven't offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It's in there.

   Before I could even offer a plea bargain, the judge pronounced us man and wife.

   My iPhone just auto-corrected "I will be home shortly" to "I wish I was single"

   So its safe to assume Kanye & Khadarshian's baby will have a huge butt and a huge mouth?

   If you are so sensitive that I can't joke around without risking offending you and I have to watch every word I say, in case you might misinterpret it, then we can't be friends.

   I just read that Kim K is taking some "time off work be with her daughter" but she doesn't have a job so now I'm confused

   If your breath isn't flammable, you're not an alcoholic.

   To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.

   The other idiots at the interview didn't stand a chance, I wore 4 ties.

   Diamonds are women's best friends. Little shiny rocks are their best friends. This is the kind of crazy men have to deal with.

   Girls; Don't kill yourself over a boy. He'll just bring another girl to your funeral.

   People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.