BEGO Funny Status Messages

   Let's have a round of applause for the heroes that they think they can save all the cancer-ridden children by liking and sharing those Facebook statuses.

   Why do people in movies keep all their lights off when they hear a noise? I’d be lighting that place up like friggin’ Times Square.

   You know you're lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans

   Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.

   I don't know why beer companies bother with an expiration date... it's never going to make it anywhere near that.

   How the heck does one cup of coffee equal one gallon of pee!?!?

   The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.

   I don't know exactly who's health I'm drinking to, but they're going to be immortal at this rate

   Hey, if you stay really quiet and listen very, very closely, You can hear the beautiful sound of you shutting the f$ck up.

   The week seems to go by at the speed of a snail. Unless it's the weekend. Then the snail is driving a Ferrari.

   My brain is about as organized as the WalMart $5 DVD bin.

   I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.

   I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.

   I hate mosquitoes!!! I mean, I know I'm delicious but damn...

   Haters will broadcast your failure, but whisper your success.

   when you see a sign at a restaurant that says 'employees must wash BOTH hands', I think that's when you have to worry...

   Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there's less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There's no drama & I don't have to wear pants.”

   I've got to stop believing everything I think.

   Textaphrenia – thinking you've heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.

   The best selling books are cookbooks and the second are diet books. So you can learn how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.