Aaron Funny Status Messages

   The only appointments I'm ever on time for are disappointments.

   Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.

   Just imagine for a moment, if you can, a world without hypothetical situations.

   The easiest way to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

   Just ate my toothbrush to clean those hard-to-reach places.

   The hardest part of being a zombie would be hiding your excitement of being one.

   Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone without asking first

   Don't get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

   Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.

   Every time Beyoncé types out her name, she has to google "Pokémon" and then copy/paste the "é".

   "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer: "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

   I wonder if Medusa ever just relaxed and put her snakes back in a ponytail?

   A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That's pretty far-fetched.

   You can lead a human to knowledge.... but you can't make them think.

   Today is going so slowly my life is flashing before other people's eyes.

   Seems like I can't go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.

   I read quantum physics magazines for the particles.

   I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.

   if you had... one shot... one opportunity... to take two samples at costco when the dude's not lookin... would you capture it... or let it slip

   I'm really lucky that I was born on my birthday.