cj Funny Status Messages

   Why is it I can't get mobile reception sometimes, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?

   Dear sweatpants and hoodies: thanks for being there for me. Sincerely, sexy and I know it, but too lazy to show it!!

   Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life:)

   Have you seen these gas prices?? I just filled up and it doubled the value of my car!!

   Try this: Get in a elevator with a bunch of strangers make sure you'r closest to the door,then turn and say, "I'm sure you'r all wondering why I gathered you here."

   God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.

   When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

   Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

   If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

   Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy and enjoy life!!

   May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house

   No guy in the history of America has ordered a Smirnoff Ice at a bar without hating himself a little.

   After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

   Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, by the end you will wish you had a club and a spade.

   Summer where all the days run into each other and every day is a saturday night!

   Having kids is a lot like living in a frat house. Everythings sticky and your not quite sure why...

   B*tch please, I can remove 99% of your so called "Beauty" with a kleenex.

   They say, "You are what you eat" That's funny. I don't remember eating a sexy beast this morning.

   Debt collectors calling you? They dont call ME anymore after I answer the phone "Homicide, Detective Smith speaking, please give me your full name and direct affiliation with the victim who's phone you've just called." Problem solved!

   I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.