Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   Why do men talk dirty? So they can wash their mouths out with beer.

   Would it be ironic if you died in the living room?

   My wife was shocked when she found out I switched her vibrator with a taser.

   The only good part about reuniting with an ex is that having sex with them doesn't change the number of people you've slept with.

   Someone needs to invent a pill that makes saving money feel as good as spending it.

   I'm not a bank but I can tell you that I have 0% interest in what you're saying right now.

   When you die and God asks what you did with your life, try not to say, "Didn't you read my tweets and Facebook updates?"

   When I exercise at the gym, I wear all black. It's like a funeral for my fat.

   My reputation as a ladies' man is a joke that has often caused me to laugh bitterly through the ten thousand nights I have spent alone.

   Ladies: If your guy gives you his jacket when you are cold, he expects you to give him sex when he's horny.

   If you don't drink, you're boring and all your stories end the same way with, “and then I got home and went to sleep.”

   Dude, she just called you a Mexican... Oh hell no, hold my taco.

   My thoughts of you make me the perfect mixture of happy and horny.

   I remember when the M in MTV stood for Music not Maternity.

   Regardless of what they say, Romance is NOT dead. It's just playing dead. Kiss someone's lips to resuscitate it.

   Sometimes I wish I was like my calendar, it always has dates.

   I was violently beating this guy with a club when I realized, "I can find a better weapon than this stupid poker card"

   Marijuana is the gateway drug to a very large value meal.

   "You've changed" No actually I think the proper term is, "I've stopped trying to please you."

   I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn't even know I was driving.