Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   I spent 3 hours watching Big Brother tonight, thinking all that lazy woman has done is lay on the sofa eating crisps and drinking fizzy.Then I realised the TV wasn't even on...it was just the reflection off the screen.

   Is it just me or is "Top News" on Facebook more like "Old news that is mediocre"?

   When a man speaks, people listen, then look. When a woman speaks, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

   A good friend will take you to the hospital if you fall into a coma. A great friend will draw a mustache on you on the way.

   ""Daddy, whats a transvestite?” “Go ask your mother…he'll tell you.”

   Dance like no one's going to put it on YouTube.

   If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

   A smile is a sign of joy. A hug is a sign of love. A laugh is a sign of happiness. And a friend like me…Sh*t, that's just a sign of good taste!!

   Definition of mixed emotions: seeing your mother-in-law go over a cliff in your brand new Porsche.

   Today's Kama Sutra position is The Underpaid Employee. It involves bending over backwards for the boss while kissing his a*s at the same time

   Apparently, I would rather break my teeth or put a hole in my new shirt than locate a pair of scissors to cut the tag off.

   Why don't refrigerators have a milk dispenser next to the water in the door? You could just hold your cereal bowl under it and push the button.

   How many mimes have died because no one believed they were choking..

   Trying to find your phone when its on silent is one of life`s hardest tasks.

   Yo momma's so fat that when she was cremated,all the flights in Europe got cancelled.

   Someone came up to me and said "T.G.I.F. Thank god its Friday!" I replied "S.H.I.T. Sorry hun,it's Thursday."

   Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to talk and walk,then the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

   The sole purpose of a child's middle name is to know when they're in big trouble.

   I just committed the perfect crime. I stopped paying my shrink. He took me to court. I pleaded insanity.

   Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.