Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Coffee so black the police plant evidence on it.

   Pays bills....... *Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity

   as I'm getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who's staying on and say,, “You're in charge while I'm gone.”

   "If EVERYTHING tastes like us,,, Why do WE have to die then"????..... CHICKENS

   Kept making the same mistakes in life, so I call them traditions now.

   What I lack in imagination,,, I make up.

   You people freak me out talking about stalking. Especially you.... sitting there in your blue & white striped polo shirt reading that book on your couch.

   I may not be 2014 healthy,,, but I'm 1814 healthy.

   Say what you will about him,,, but I think it's pretty cool that Jesus spoke in red letters.

   I Always carry $40,000 cash on me at all times,, You know,, in case I ever feel like getting a sandwich while I'm in the airport.

   Oh-NO !! There's BLOOD in the toilet,,,,,,, I can't remember, is it “Red stool at night,, colon's delight. Red stool at morning,, bowels take warning.” Or the other way around???

   PRO TIP: The easiest way to kill off mice in your house is to leave tiny motorcycles everywhere but no helmets.

   Dear lady in front of me,,, it's a speed bump, not a friggin land mine

   Sorry I spilled your bottle of wine,,, all down my throat.

   Today, I found a potato chip that looked exactly like Jesus.. Then I remembered nobody knows what Jesus actually looked like... So I ate it.

   I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.

   Hello Acme? Me again, I'm gonna need a rocket and some roller skates.. Yeah & a sign with the word yikes on it... No I still haven't caught him

   Being a reasonable man,, I pointed to the door, suggesting the spider leave immediately and peacefully

   There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

   Sometimes I can be a bit selfish and insensitive, but then I remember that I don't sell reverse mortgages to the elderly,, and then I feel better.