Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

   Me: (In the shower) Guy from Facebook: (hands me the loofah) You registered to vote?

   I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

   Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

   ‘Why do birds suddenly appear’ is my favorite song about a group of people giving me the finger while I’m driving.

   These kids gonna be dumb AF. We never missed these many days of school in our life

   I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file. Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

   I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow

   Got caught daydreaming about sleep again at work today

   I want to take a moment to thank my skeletal system for being so supportive all these years.

   If I ever find the idiot who decided that it was a brilliant idea to put un-skipable adverts in the middle of a video.

   My car has an interesting feature, a rotating fuel tank equipped with a sensor. So whichever side of a gas pump I pull up to, my fuel tank is on the other side of the car.

   Just because you can see my teeth, don't assume I'm smiling

   I'm suffering from Insania. Its sort of like Insomnia, only its the voices in my head that cant sleep.

   I remember back when my "car seat" was the back window shelf of my mom's 63 Plymouth Valiant

   It is the year 2048. Colleges are offering courses in selfie angles.

   Sleep more securely with a knife under your pillow in case someone breaks in the house with cake

   I am planning to enjoy my evening with the in-laws tonight by filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls

   Give a man a beer and he will entertain you. Hold a man's beer and it will show up on YouTube.

   Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the WiFi password is so he has time to find the little piece of paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.