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My car has an interesting feature, a rotating fuel tank equipped with a sensor. So whichever side of a gas pump I pull up to, my fuel tank is on the other side of the car.
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02-27-2018 07:23
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Just because you can see my teeth, don't assume I'm smiling
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03-04-2018 10:47
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I'm suffering from Insania. Its sort of like Insomnia, only its the voices in my head that cant sleep.
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03-07-2018 13:16
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I remember back when my "car seat" was the back window shelf of my mom's 63 Plymouth Valiant
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03-10-2018 09:11
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It is the year 2048. Colleges are offering courses in selfie angles.
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03-10-2018 09:20
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Sleep more securely with a knife under your pillow in case someone breaks in the house with cake
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03-24-2018 09:41
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I am planning to enjoy my evening with the in-laws tonight by filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls
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04-09-2018 12:05
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Give a man a beer and he will entertain you. Hold a man's beer and it will show up on YouTube.
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04-13-2018 09:11
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Thanksgiving is a good time to give people the bird and tell them to stuff it. Happy Thanksgiving. :-)
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11-20-2018 15:23 by
Pilgrim
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I need something like an Epi-Pen, but with caffeine.
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01-04-2019 09:17
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If you watch Godzilla vs King Kong backwards it's about two monsters who forget their differences and build a city.
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08-23-2019 06:44
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It only took three years but I finally finished eating that box of taquitos from Costco.
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09-23-2019 06:00
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Nothing makes me feel like a founding father like still remembering how to write in cursive.
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09-26-2019 05:02
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Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
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08-27-2020 09:03
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My phone: 58%. My husband’s phone: 7%. Me: Honey, I need your charger.
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09-30-2020 15:44
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Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
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10-02-2020 10:59
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The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
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10-05-2020 08:01
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Me: (In the shower) Guy from Facebook: (hands me the loofah) You registered to vote?
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10-12-2020 08:11
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I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
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10-13-2020 07:52
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Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
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10-21-2020 06:11
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