Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My car has an interesting feature, a rotating fuel tank equipped with a sensor. So whichever side of a gas pump I pull up to, my fuel tank is on the other side of the car.
←Rate | 02-27-2018 07:23 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Just because you can see my teeth, don't assume I'm smiling
←Rate | 03-04-2018 10:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm suffering from Insania. Its sort of like Insomnia, only its the voices in my head that cant sleep.
←Rate | 03-07-2018 13:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I remember back when my "car seat" was the back window shelf of my mom's 63 Plymouth Valiant
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It is the year 2048. Colleges are offering courses in selfie angles.
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sleep more securely with a knife under your pillow in case someone breaks in the house with cake
←Rate | 03-24-2018 09:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I am planning to enjoy my evening with the in-laws tonight by filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls
←Rate | 04-09-2018 12:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Give a man a beer and he will entertain you. Hold a man's beer and it will show up on YouTube.
←Rate | 04-13-2018 09:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Thanksgiving is a good time to give people the bird and tell them to stuff it. Happy Thanksgiving. :-)
←Rate | 11-20-2018 15:23 by Pilgrim Comments (0)  


   messageicon I need something like an Epi-Pen, but with caffeine.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 09:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you watch Godzilla vs King Kong backwards it's about two monsters who forget their differences and build a city.
←Rate | 08-23-2019 06:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It only took three years but I finally finished eating that box of taquitos from Costco.
←Rate | 09-23-2019 06:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Nothing makes me feel like a founding father like still remembering how to write in cursive.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 05:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
←Rate | 08-27-2020 09:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My phone: 58%. My husband’s phone: 7%. Me: Honey, I need your charger.
←Rate | 09-30-2020 15:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
←Rate | 10-02-2020 10:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
←Rate | 10-05-2020 08:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: (In the shower) Guy from Facebook: (hands me the loofah) You registered to vote?
←Rate | 10-12-2020 08:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
←Rate | 10-13-2020 07:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
←Rate | 10-21-2020 06:11 Comments (0)  




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