SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Then God said, “Let there be Internet drama”; and there was Internet drama. And God saw that it was good.

   I just don't get you people who prefer the cold over the heat. The best times of my life are spent being hot, sweaty, and naked. Not cold, shivering, and bundled up.

   I'm not trying to sound racist, but all fireworks look alike.

   If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there'd be no problems.

   POUR SOME HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP ON ME!!!!

   I hope Jessica Biel names her first kid Batmo.

   If I say, "yeah...totally" when you're telling a story, there's an 80% chance I stopped listening and just want it to end.

   The Internet. All of the piracy, none of the scurvy.

   I've noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I'm getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime

   My feelings are torn regarding the spork. On one hand, it's pretty cool. On the other...it's kind of a showoff.

   Mike's Hard Lemonade is basically Kool-Aid with a squirt of Purell in it.

   Suicide is only illegal because dead people can't pay taxes.

   If I were a ghost, I would dress like a Sea Captain just to play into the stereotype.

   I relate to your inability to relate to people. Let's talk about hanging out but never follow through.

   I cooked a live Lobster in the microwave and now I have a giant mutant lobster in my living room demanding to watch The Little Mermaid.

   Every time I see a bottle labeled "personal lubricant" I shudder to think of the public kind.

   Filled out the "Are You Depressed?" questionnaire and it turns out I just have mild diabetes and the desire to shoot people in the face.

   Huggies now offers a diaper called "Little Swimmers;" which I believe are what actually cause the babies in the 1st place.

   I always thought GTFO meant Great, Terrific, Fantastic, & Outstanding... so, I guess all those people weren't paying me compliments after all!

   Kill your haters with kindness. Gift wrap explosives.