Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I saw some drunk guy chasing his shadow down the street screaming "Give me back my wallet."

   Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.

   Post this as your status update if you hate status updates that tell you to repost something.

   Some people think that I assume the world revolves around me, which of course is total nonsense. The world revolves around the sun, which shines out of my a$$.

   I bet those Chilean miners going to be pissed when they have to go back to work at 5 in the morning tomorrow.

   Just once I'd like my girlfriend not to scream when I do my hilarious Stevie Wonder driving a car impression.

   The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were: Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

   Keep your guests on their toes by disabling the flush mechanism on all the toilets in your house and filling the medicine cabinets with marbles.

   Women are like steaks. They should be a little thick,really juicy and eaten at least once a week

   I like to walk into McDonalds with a Taco Bell bag and pull out a Whopper, then tearfully scream "somebody really McF*cked up this time!!!"

   I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don't want people to recognize me when I'm taking a dump.

   Lesson of the Day: This is your ass (_._) This is your ass on prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.

   Life is like a box of chocolates...I don't think so! Mine is more like a box of hand grenades...pull the wrong pin and everything goes flying!

   Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever.

   Some people call me a smart ass, I say I'm just smart with a good ass answer.

   I think it would be cheaper to just buy stamps and mail my car back and forth to work.

   I'm not perfect, but I'm better than your ex and gonna be better than your next.

   I think I just contracted herpes in my eyes from watching Jersey Shore.

   When you don't remember someones name, you wait for someone else to say it so you can pretend like you knew it all along.