Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.

   A message to whoever stole my shoes while I was playing in the ball pit at Chucky Cheese yesterday.. GROW UP!!

   I asked my wife why she married me. She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!” FML

   The best Safeword you can use is "Meatloaf." It means "I would do anything for love but I won't do that."

   If I know one thing for sure it's that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they'd eaten more celery.

   Walmart is asking customers to wear masks. Good luck with that. They can't even get them to wear pants...

   If TuPac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at the Gap right about now.

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats... Then go look at Facebook for about 5 minutes.

   You knew it was coming: Marvel has fallen to the Woke Mob, introduces trans superheroes.

   I say we legalize all drugs at the Olympics. Let's see how fast these MF's can run!

   Television is the monster in your home, and it’s called a program for a reason. It has been designed to psychologically change the ways that you view reality.

   Some people won’t admit their faults. I would, if I had any.

   "Elon Musk" sounds like a new fragrance from Pierre Cardin.

   If lost in the woods, build a shelter. The tax man will be there shortly.

   There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.

   At Pet Smart teaching all the parrots to say, Fu!c Joe Biden.

   The bad thing about political jokes is sometimes they get elected. . .

   Since we cancelled COPS, & LivePD can we also cancel The View?

   When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

   It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.