Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I sure hope someday the "Ghost Hunters" will realize that the tapping sound is not something only ghosts can make.

   You can go pretty much go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

   There are 3 meanings behind 'Liking' someones status. 1) I agree. 2) I realize this is about me so I'm liking it to rub in your face. 3) I want to bang you. :)

   This girl asked to take me out to dinner, I told her sorry I have a girlfriend. Her response... "Eatin' ain't cheatin'."

   If the 6-year-old me knew that I bought a house instead of a helicopter he'd kick my ass.

   I don't care how hot she is, dumb is not sexy.

   my ex texted me like, "You can delete my number." I texted back like "Who this?"

   After being ignored by my GF for a full week, the only communication being a yes or a no, I've learnt a very valuable lesson about women. When they tell you they don't want anything for their birthday, they don't mean it.

   Your cries for attention are like a car alarm at 2 o'clock in the morning........ People only notice it because it's annoying.

   I colored my hair today. Never doing that again. It took 5 hours and 12 Sharpies.

   I'm not cranky, I just have a violent reaction to stupid people.

   When I got to the part of the job application that asked, "How much money per hr/per yr" I wrote "How much ya got?" because I didn't wanna' sound greedy...

   Talk about double standards! When I showed my bud my new harley it's was perfectly acceptable for him to say "That's great! Can I have a go on it?" But when I said the same as he introduced his new girlfriend to me it's a different story.

   A girl is always RIGHT....Just sometimes confused, misinformed, rude, stubborn, senseless, unchangeable, and even downright stupid but not WRONG.

   Of course money buys happiness! You ever seen a homeless person skip?

   If you hit your girlfriend's best friend with a car, apparently, "I banged your best friend" is the wrong way to inform her.

   The things I've seen while hiding in someone's closet are shocking sometimes... there are some sick people out there.

   When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

   What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.

   "It's the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.