jdpower Funny Status Messages

   My dad pulled me aside today, teary-eyed. Told me to sit down.. I braced myself. He said "There's going to be a third Bridget Jones movie."

   I saw a guy in WalMart wearing aqua socks. I was afraid to take his picture, as it might provoke my murder and subsequent skinning.

   How is it C-3PO is fluent in 6 million languages, yet in none of them can manage to say, "I'm gay?"

   I was excited to bring home my Xmas Tree but I didn't have the heart to tell it I'd be leaving it in the street for dead in just a few weeks.

   Just heard that Snooki was picked up by police for disorderly conduct.. apparently she was caught "orange-handed"

   The Clitaurus is the most mysterious Jurassic-era creature to most male archaeologists.

   I never did use my illusion. Is it too late?

   It was Canadian Thanksgiving this past weekend, and they have much to be thankful for: Bieber, Ice Road Truckers, a sh!t-load of lumber.

   Craigslist removed its' "Adult Services"section. Headline should read, "No one to ever use Craigslist again".

   Today is National Oatmeal Day, or as Charlie Sheen calls it, National Cocaine and Strippers Day.

   US Military is experimenting with robots. Part of new program, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Rise Up and Kill Us."

   Fox News reports that Obama visits Indonesia, one of several foreign countries where he was born.

   If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.

   Next for BP: they're going to add balsamic vinegar to the oil; turning the Gulf into a nice vinaigrette.

   Vegan hipsters wear ironic milk mustaches.

   BREAKING: "Hey, Where Is Everybody?" Says Chilean Miner No. 34

   I'm typing this update because some fat, ugly wildebeest just sat across from me in the lunchroom and I want to look busy.. thank you for your support and understanding. It means a lot to me in these times of uncertaint -ok she just left, that was close.

   We need to talk, shuffle.. One Hall & Oates song is a great idea - but two in a row is completely unacceptable.

   Brooklyn Decker is either an ungodly hot supermodel, or a delicious, multi-tiered sandwich. You can't lose with a Brooklyn Decker.

   New York Times reports Neanderthals mated with humans thousands of years before "Jersey Shore."