MTQ Funny Status Messages

   Some women are wound up tighter than the girdle of a Baptist minister's wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.

   I'm seeing this really hot chick. Yet I have no friends to tell it to. I mean, it was okay to tell my girlfriend, right? It was okay?

   Facebook is dumb They have the Poke thing wrong. Guys should have the Poke button, and girls should have a Spread button.

   Dear Climate, Although we're practically 2/3 of the way through Autumn, the predicted high temps for Orlando today are in the mid 80s. Could you do me a small favor and go f**k yourself?

   Sorry about the cold weather, everybody. I didn't realize I put my new air conditioner in backwards.

   Was driving a van full of women to a Jimmy Buffett concert. Saw a sign that read 25 MPH. I thought to myself, "Twenty five Menopausal Parrot Heads is right.

   Congressman Weiner's wife: "ANTHONY!!! I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!"

   I got my name tattooed on my p*n*s. My girl goes, "Stop trying to put words in my mouth."

   ***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that I can get 100 tampons for $1.00... No Strings attached...but for a limited period ONLY!...A bloody good deal!

   war machines will cause the destruction of man. Not a comet. I wonder what the next species that inhabits the Earth will discuss while filling their vehicles with the fossil fuels derived from the remains of extinct humans.

   What's the difference between The New England Patriots and a p0rn star? The p0rn star doesn't ch0ke on the big ones.

   I like my ribs like I like my women. Hot, saucy, and on the bone.

   The world's biggest lie...Person who f@rted: "I didn't f@rt! If I did, I'd claim it!"

   Black guy is in the electric chair. They cut his pants at the knee to attach a wire. Head of his d*ck pops out. The guy that pulls the switch starts laughing. The black guy says: Laugh man, but if I was frying YOU, yo's would shrink up too!

   My blonde GF kept yelling out 43 days! 43 days! I finally asked her why she kept saying that. She said she finished a puzzle that said 4-5 Years on the box.

   Facebook has Peter Principled. It has risen to its own level of incompetence. The cracks are in the foundation. It's doomed. Remember MySpace? Come to think of it. Neither do I.

   I got batteries for Christmas. They weren't included.

   I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

   Can someone tell me where I can return these 12 Drummers Drumming without a receipt? I'm not trying to form an Allman Brothers tribute band for Chrissake.

   This guy across the street does nothing but baby his car. OCD. Obsessive Car Detailing.