Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That's about as organic you're gonna get out of me.

   The most important thing I look for from a potential employer is a bathroom with a good network connection.

   My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.

   It's racial profiling when a waiter in a Chinese restaurant gives me a fork.

   Sorry I can't go out tonight, I can't find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.

   Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.

   Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you'll finally have 2 kids by the same father."

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that most murder cases are only solved after a detective is suspended but ignores the suspension.

   My neighbor swears he was anally probed by an alien. Anyone want a slightly used alien costume?

   I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find love. So I was close.

   Okay guys thats enough. Let's all agree to stop drawing on Lil Wayne while he's passed out drunk.

   Not to brag, but when it comes to "going nowhere fast," I'm breaking every speed record known to man.

   BET AWARDS MAYHEM - this happens every time these people get together. No, I don't mean b lack people, I mean silly rap ''artists''.

   In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.

   The MTV Movie Awards are a great reminder of why kids should never be allowed to vote.

   That woman's husband on the cover of TIME looks awfully young.

   My dentist just spent an hour in my mouth. So I get it girls, I get it.

   Ladies; If you friend zone me you have to at least change clothes in front of me like you would a gay guy. Them are the rules.

   You may remember me from such events as ruining Christmas dinner.

   Unless there's a new app that lets you shoot people, that phone holster looks ridiculous.