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X The fact that Mitt Romney has a son named Matt Romney kinda makes you hope for 3 more sons named Mett Mott & Mutt.
X Maybe if they turned the economy off and then turned it back on it might run better. Works for my computer.
X Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better
X For the life of me, I can't understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
X If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to sh!t yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.
X The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
X If A-B-C-D didn't drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn't have to be so rushed.
X If you want to find a missing person, put their pictures on cigarettes. Smokers are the only ones standing outside in all kinds of weather.
X "The Force" is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can't tell he is kissing his own sister?
X I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
X That was insensitive. I asked you to stop being stupid without considering how incredibly difficult that must be for you.
X You know it's going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
X Selecting a menu item at a Mexican restaurant is easy once you decide how many times you want your food folded.
X I wish one of the walls in my bedroom was a giant Lite-Brite.
X Has that kid in the Dreamworks logo even caught a single fish yet?
X Starting to think Herman Cain only ran for President so people would find out how much he gets laid.
X My office Christmas party is tonight, which means my office apology party will be tomorrow.
X I wish this conversation had GPS because you lost me about 20 words ago.
X Butt dialing was a lot harder with rotary phones.
X Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.