Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I identify as a microwave dinner, because I’m ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I’m just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate.
←Rate | 06-18-2022 00:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Octopuses are just wet spiders.
←Rate | 07-03-2022 06:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you’re not happy single, try dating apps. You’ll still be single, but you’ll appreciate it a lot more.
←Rate | 04-29-2022 00:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m busy right now, can I ignore you later?
←Rate | 01-19-2023 04:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you’re tired of your cat showing you it’s butthole so you show it yours.
←Rate | 01-06-2023 02:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.
←Rate | 01-08-2023 02:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everyone I know is a “snack getting stuck in a vending machine” away from total collapse.
←Rate | 01-08-2023 17:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only way I can catch errors in my messages, is to read them from my sent folder. 😏
←Rate | 01-24-2023 00:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Therapist: “What brings you in today?” Me: Every time my husband puts the dishes away, he puts them in a different location. Therapist: “I’ll cancel all my appointments.”
←Rate | 01-08-2023 17:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Moved the thermostat up one degree this morning as a little treat for the family.
←Rate | 01-10-2023 01:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.
←Rate | 06-30-2022 01:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A mistake that makes you humble is better than an achievement that makes you arrogant.
←Rate | 06-28-2022 23:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon God Bless Rednecks! Merica!
←Rate | 01-06-2023 01:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Quiz question: Would you rather be stuck on an island all alone or with someone you hate, and why? Answer: I would rather be stuck on an island with someone I hate, so I would have something to eat.
←Rate | 01-08-2023 17:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Stop bringing crappy Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came out into the woods to hear Katy Perry.
←Rate | 04-17-2022 00:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Most folks keep their trap shut when they’ve nothing interesting to say. Not you, your flipper flaps like the national deficit.
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rachel has 16 chocolate bars. Tracy takes 4 from her and asks for the remaining quarter. What would she end up with? Me: A sucker-punch in the breadbox.
←Rate | 01-10-2023 01:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A satisfied life is better than a successful life. Because our success is measured by others, our satisfaction is measured by our own hearts, minds, and souls.
←Rate | 06-24-2022 23:13 Comments (0)  

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