Aaron Funny Status Messages

   For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.

   "We're losing her." -sanity

   One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.

   Accidentally dropping a full bottle of vodka on the ground really destroys your spirit.

   Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

   Are you there, nothing? It's me, an atheist.

   I'll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.

   Business Plan: 1. Make a "FREE HUGS!" sign. 2. During the hug, whisper, "But it's $50 to let go." 3. Gently press a knife into their side.

   Rosetta Stoned: When you get so high you think you can speak a different language

   Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

   Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath"

   I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."

   When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

   I'm up to no good with good intentions.

   Time flies when you're having fun, so the more you enjoy life the quicker you'll be dead.

   For the record, you'll need a turntable needle.

   "look sharp" - me to my poorly maintained knives before guests arrive

   Whenever I stalk someone, I wear a big foam finger so it's less creepy and more "super awesome fan."

   What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.

   My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.