MTQ Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon Facebook is dumb They have the Poke thing wrong. Guys should have the Poke button, and girls should have a Spread button.
←Rate | 12-21-2011 18:09 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Climate, Although we're practically 2/3 of the way through Autumn, the predicted high temps for Orlando today are in the mid 80s. Could you do me a small favor and go f**k yourself?
←Rate | 11-16-2011 11:01 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry about the cold weather, everybody. I didn't realize I put my new air conditioner in backwards.
←Rate | 11-26-2012 07:15 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon Was driving a van full of women to a Jimmy Buffett concert. Saw a sign that read 25 MPH. I thought to myself, "Twenty five Menopausal Parrot Heads is right.
←Rate | 08-27-2011 13:20 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon Congressman Weiner's wife: "ANTHONY!!! I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!"
←Rate | 06-14-2011 12:46 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got my name tattooed on my p*n*s. My girl goes, "Stop trying to put words in my mouth."
←Rate | 08-07-2011 18:59 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon ***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that I can get 100 tampons for $1.00... No Strings attached...but for a limited period ONLY!...A bloody good deal!
←Rate | 09-02-2011 15:47 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon war machines will cause the destruction of man. Not a comet. I wonder what the next species that inhabits the Earth will discuss while filling their vehicles with the fossil fuels derived from the remains of extinct humans.
←Rate | 03-31-2013 11:06 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon What's the difference between The New England Patriots and a p0rn star? The p0rn star doesn't ch0ke on the big ones.
←Rate | 01-13-2013 13:25 by MTQ Comments (1)  

   messageicon I like my ribs like I like my women. Hot, saucy, and on the bone.
←Rate | 06-19-2012 09:06 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon The world's biggest lie...Person who f@rted: "I didn't f@rt! If I did, I'd claim it!"
←Rate | 12-01-2012 13:55 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon Black guy is in the electric chair. They cut his pants at the knee to attach a wire. Head of his d*ck pops out. The guy that pulls the switch starts laughing. The black guy says: Laugh man, but if I was frying YOU, yo's would shrink up too!
←Rate | 10-09-2011 13:32 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon My blonde GF kept yelling out 43 days! 43 days! I finally asked her why she kept saying that. She said she finished a puzzle that said 4-5 Years on the box.
←Rate | 05-29-2012 13:59 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon Facebook has Peter Principled. It has risen to its own level of incompetence. The cracks are in the foundation. It's doomed. Remember MySpace? Come to think of it. Neither do I.
←Rate | 09-25-2011 18:11 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got batteries for Christmas. They weren't included.
←Rate | 12-28-2012 22:53 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
←Rate | 01-27-2013 01:19 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can someone tell me where I can return these 12 Drummers Drumming without a receipt? I'm not trying to form an Allman Brothers tribute band for Chrissake.
←Rate | 12-26-2011 21:05 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon This guy across the street does nothing but baby his car. OCD. Obsessive Car Detailing.
←Rate | 11-20-2012 20:04 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon "It is better to have been on penici!!in, than to have never loved at all."
←Rate | 01-15-2012 06:03 by MTQ Comments (0)  

   messageicon I go to the all you can eat breakfast bar for $5.00. I go, "What'll 10.00 get me?" They asked me to leave. That's bull$hit right there.
←Rate | 12-15-2012 11:15 by MTQ Comments (0)  

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