Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

   At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.

   If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

   I sometimes wonder when I turn on the news if I'm watching breaking news about the Coronavirus or if they've playing the same broadcast on repeat since March?

   Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

   You want a traditional thanksgiving? The CDC recommends you eat outside like a pilgrim this year

   At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.

   if you want a sneak preview of the new IPhone 8 just look at your IPhone 7 and pretend it cost $999 more.

   I've been eating so much during the lockdown. I'm starting to get a tan from the fridge light.

   The difference between sex for money and sex for free is that in the long run sex for free will cost a lot more.

   The best Safeword you can use is "Meatloaf." It means "I would do anything for love but I won't do that."

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   *Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy

   The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.

   I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

   As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps

   Facebook just suggested I poke my wife.....yeah good one Facebook.....been trying for weeks!

   For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours

   Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.