Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Honestly, it's not the way I look that reveals my age. It's my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.

   There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.

   Your posts are going viral, just like herpes.

   If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.

   A new commandment. Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   If you call me from a private number I'll respect your privacy and not answer

   Did you know that if you light a candle during a full moon and say the name of the person you love three times you will look very stupid doing that.

   if the Earth is flat, then my belly is too.

   Disappointment is coming home to the smell of fresh bake cookies and finding out it's just a scented candel.

   The current generation should be called mushrooms because they've been fed crap and kept in the dark

   I'm just here to offer you a glimmer of nope.

   The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

   it just me, or is Tom cruise starting to look like a middle aged lesbian?

   Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

   Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.

   Cutting a hole in the bottom of a table with a saw to steal a pie is way harder than it looks in cartoons.

   I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.

   Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.

   According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don't have a weight problem....I'm just hot

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line