Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!

   Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.

   Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults

   My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

   Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years

   Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.

   Your posts are going viral, just like herpes.

   A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy's laptop

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..

   How to make a millenial laugh: tell them you have only 22 photos of your entire childhood.

   Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.

   I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

   Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.

   The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.

   Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

   Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.

   When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse.