Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.

   If there is watermelon why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the elemelons

   I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.

   There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!

   Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That's like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."

   "Wow, Windows Troubleshooter totally solved the problem!" said no one ever.

   That concludes the Time Travelers Club meeting, see you all last month.

   A home DNA test kit does not make a good baby shower gift.

   Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives.

   "I already looked there." -Kids that didn't look there

   "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

   I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.

   I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.

   Ask your Dr. if you're healthy enough for sex and if that goes well, ask them if they're seeing anyone.

   You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.

   Just to be different, I'm going to cry about being single on the 4th of July, and celebrate Valentine's Day with explosives.

   Man I am beat! Feel like I just flew on United

   I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.

   Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn't think so.

   I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.