Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?

   Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years

   Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.

   It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”

   My cat has a fun new game called Catch & Release.. It catches the mice outside and brings them into the house and releases them.

   Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   Its still winter because Mother Nature saw all our summer bodies and decided we weren't ready yet.

   The people that are trying to make the world worse never take a day off, why should I? Light up the darkness.

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.

   Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings?

   So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?

   Not sure who will be performing at the Super Bowl half-time this season but I am already furious about it

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   I must be getting old. Since when does 2 to 4 inches of snow become a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called flurries, and we complained it wasn't enough to even have a good snowball fight, let along close schools.

   When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.

   My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn. She called me over here an hour ago to fix her sink and I'm still fixing the sink.