Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.

   Facebook just suggested I poke my wife.....yeah good one Facebook.....been trying for weeks!

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

   i bought an awesome watch the other day, It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.

   Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.. they're nacho friends

   For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours

   I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.

   the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it

   I prefer my kale with a silent "K"

   Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him.

   More bad news for Millennials. Hangovers hurt worse the older you get...

   The only difference between brown nosing and ass kissing is depth perception.

   if you want a sneak preview of the new IPhone 8 just look at your IPhone 7 and pretend it cost $999 more.

   "Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats... Then go look at Facebook for about 5 minutes.

   And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.

   Me: sorry mom, called you by accident.. Mom: no worries, had you by accident.

   The National Origami championship is on television tonight. It’s on paper view.

   Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to...

   Iowa's voting app failed because it was too icy to climb up the telephone poles to vote.