Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I need to get my life together but I’m kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put any real effort into it.
←Rate | 05-27-2022 00:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You: Perhaps they’re not stars in the sky, but rather openings in heaven where our loved ones shine down to let us know that they’re happy. Me: Can I buy some weed from you?
←Rate | 05-27-2022 00:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you send a risky text and see (….) for ten minutes.
←Rate | 06-08-2022 01:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
←Rate | 06-13-2022 02:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You technically have 2 minutes to live, but every time you breathe it restarts the timer.
←Rate | 07-01-2022 01:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That sweaty first kiss balled up on the couch, hand up her shirt, praying your parents don’t walk in on a Saturday night.
←Rate | 05-27-2022 00:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You: Be noble, for you are made from the stars. Be humble, for you are made from the earth. Me: Where do you get your weed?
←Rate | 05-27-2022 00:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Talking to someone who decided to call instead of text: Yes, that’s correct… And, the horse you rode in on.
←Rate | 05-29-2022 00:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “We need to change Washington DC from the inside.” Me: I say we blast off and nuke the entire site from orbit.
←Rate | 06-11-2022 01:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are two kinds of people, the ones who pack six days before a trip, and the ones who wake up the day of and realize they need to do a load of laundry, and then they marry each other.
←Rate | 06-28-2022 23:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A. One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
←Rate | 05-16-2022 05:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One of us is right and the other one is you.
←Rate | 05-19-2022 07:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Need a conversation starter for your next cookout? Arrange the chicken pieces on the grill to look like a cat.
←Rate | 05-25-2022 03:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear weather app, I don’t need a blinking light informing me that the pollen is high when my car looks like a Cheeto.
←Rate | 05-27-2022 00:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon War is when they tell you who the enemy is. Revolution is when you figure it out for yourself.
←Rate | 06-13-2022 02:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have a crush on 28 of you, figure it out.
←Rate | 06-28-2022 23:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: The fences need painting and the car needs washing. Him: Kids! Who wants to learn karate.
←Rate | 05-11-2022 00:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Soon, the public will be unable to think or reason for themselves. They’ll only be able to parrot the information that was given to them on the previous night’s news.
←Rate | 05-13-2022 03:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Might get crazy tonight and go to bed at 10 instead of 9.
←Rate | 05-19-2022 07:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kicking open the bathroom stall at work after eating 4 jalapeno cheddar taquitos from the Exon Mobil gas station on my lunch break.
←Rate | 05-25-2022 03:00 Comments (0)  

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