Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.
←Rate | 04-07-2017 01:18 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  


   messageicon My Life Coach just told me that I've been in the placebo group. FML.
←Rate | 05-02-2017 06:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Learn to fight like your the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
←Rate | 05-08-2017 11:24 by Aerotim Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.
←Rate | 05-18-2017 15:18 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?
←Rate | 05-30-2017 08:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
←Rate | 08-01-2017 07:33 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon For the most intelligent species on this planet, how did we end up with 5 Sharknado movies? Seriously?
←Rate | 08-06-2017 13:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1x
←Rate | 08-12-2017 07:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey
←Rate | 04-13-2017 22:34 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
←Rate | 05-22-2017 02:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How good am I at the sex? Imgaine a symphonic rock concert played under a fireworks show while tripping on acid. I'm the opposite of that.
←Rate | 05-24-2017 15:47 by @breakfastbeerz Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's so hot out that gangs are doing drive-bys with water pistols!
←Rate | 07-10-2017 15:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
←Rate | 07-12-2017 13:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon OJ said he has lived a conflict free life. Unless, he thinks you are or our have his property. Then watch out. Things get crazy.
←Rate | 07-20-2017 20:10 by Pj Comments (0)  


   messageicon when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall
←Rate | 07-30-2017 22:52 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon People are like mattresses. You start out firm then end up sagging in the middle.
←Rate | 08-14-2017 15:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In United's defense, they only claimed the skies were friendly. They said nothing about what happens on the ground.
←Rate | 04-10-2017 13:27 by Mick Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
←Rate | 05-07-2017 17:57 by Gump Comments (0)  


   messageicon Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later.
←Rate | 03-22-2017 14:59 by Chuck Comments (5)  


   messageicon If there is watermelon why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the elemelons
←Rate | 03-26-2017 19:30 Comments (0)  



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