Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?"

   Looks like I picked the wrong week to adult.

   NASCAR would be more fun to watch if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.

   "So this is Christmas, and what have you done?" The start of a John Lennon song, or the wife about to start an argument?

   please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here... -me opening the dryer

   Scientist have now cloned monkeys. Next on the Primate ladder before they reach humans- Politicians.

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway

   Questioning me about stupid things like why there’s a wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.

   We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.

   Our dog just winked at me, and now I am trying to figure out what secret we are keeping from the rest of the family.

   I did 5 squats today so if you catch me looking a little thick tomorrow don't be alarmed

   Gun sales hit #1 record for a Black Friday sales item.

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.

   I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

   I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.