Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."

   Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.

   I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.. She was down to the final four.

   Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.

   Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.

   The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults

   A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy's laptop

   Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

   Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years

   Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..

   Your posts are going viral, just like herpes.

   We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch

   How to make a millenial laugh: tell them you have only 22 photos of your entire childhood.

   Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.

   I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.