Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you receive a text/forward that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend while forwarding it, thanks

   Florida traffic is a confusing mix of NASCAR rejects and people old enough to have owned a Model T.

   All I want for Christmas is you ...... Just kidding I want Money

   'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be

   Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...

   Sure your baby's cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?

   I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.

   Wanna see awkward? Hand me a baby.

   Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a weird red haired son named Ronald who wore makeup, dropped acid, and talked to hamburgers and purple monsters.

   I thought about having sex today and then I remembered that I’m married.

   If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.

   I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.

   I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

   Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”

   I know there are idiot Savants, but are there Savant idiots ?.. Because lately stupid people sure do think they are smart !

   "Hey! No fair! You cleaned the bathrooms last week! It's my turn!" said no one ever.

   A new study says we should change how we feed cows so they don't produce so much of the greenhouse gas methane. First up, they recommend eliminating taco night.

   I love Fall.... Unless it's Cold, Damp and Dark. Then I hate Fall.

   I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.

   I have nothing in common with people who have "left over" pain killers