Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this

   When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.

   If you think sleeping with your wife’s best friend will piss her off then you obviously haven’t tried hiding one of her shoes.

   "O.J. , if granted parole where would you live...?" "Well, I'd like to take a stab at Florida......!!"

   I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.

   As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

   Late for work? Call your boss and tell him you're not coming. He will be so surprised when you show up that he'll forget you were late.

   I just bought a JVC LCD 4K 3D UHD TV. The rest of the alphabet was out of stock.

   A person who says that sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. Has never been hit with a large dictionary.

   The only difference between brown nosing and ass kissing is depth perception.

   The worst thing about parallel parking is that there are usually witnesses.

   You can't tell me what to do; you're not my demons.

   BREAKING NEWS: Jerry Jones wants the NFL to investigate the Denver Broncos for Domestic Violence against the Dallas Cowboys

   I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.

   y doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.

   when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall

   If I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender can I tell everyone that "Yeah, I Juice."

   ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

   People who publicly announce they're "taking a break" from social media, are merely disgruntled that they have only 10 friends and even those 10 never comment.

   So on "The Bachelor," a guy gets to make out with 20 different hot women and each one of them is convinced that he'd be the perfect husband. And this is a "reality" show?