Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
←Rate | 12-10-2014 07:40 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon If there is watermelon why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the elemelons
←Rate | 03-26-2017 19:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.
←Rate | 04-05-2014 21:46 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!
←Rate | 07-20-2012 07:32 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That's like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
←Rate | 06-06-2017 08:28 Comments (1)  


   messageicon "Wow, Windows Troubleshooter totally solved the problem!" said no one ever.
←Rate | 04-27-2017 23:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon That concludes the Time Travelers Club meeting, see you all last month.
←Rate | 05-06-2017 10:15 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A home DNA test kit does not make a good baby shower gift.
←Rate | 06-03-2017 07:36 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives.
←Rate | 02-02-2017 07:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "I already looked there." -Kids that didn't look there
←Rate | 10-12-2016 21:13 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
←Rate | 03-26-2016 14:36 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
←Rate | 02-03-2012 13:21 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.
←Rate | 02-17-2013 13:42 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ask your Dr. if you're healthy enough for sex and if that goes well, ask them if they're seeing anyone.
←Rate | 03-18-2017 12:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
←Rate | 05-07-2013 01:39 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just to be different, I'm going to cry about being single on the 4th of July, and celebrate Valentine's Day with explosives.
←Rate | 02-14-2012 08:35 by Barney Stinson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Man I am beat! Feel like I just flew on United
←Rate | 04-16-2017 09:39 by flipphonescott Comments (0)  


   messageicon I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
←Rate | 05-07-2017 08:55 by Aerotim Comments (0)  


   messageicon Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn't think so.
←Rate | 06-01-2017 07:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.
←Rate | 06-05-2017 16:18 by unknown comic Comments (0)  



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