Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Whenever I'm driving, and someone lets me go in front of them, I always feel the need to go as fast as possible, so they don't regret their decision. I won't let you down, Mr. Mercedes Man, I won't let you down.
←Rate | 08-21-2010 10:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?
←Rate | 10-03-2013 07:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want to be elected president, learn the truth about aliens, and then resign.
←Rate | 06-27-2011 21:47 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've always had this fantasy to make love to two women......... Like, in the same year
←Rate | 03-20-2014 16:19 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're an idiot.
←Rate | 03-17-2013 12:40 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
←Rate | 01-21-2017 11:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What this country needs is more unemployed politicians....
←Rate | 01-06-2017 07:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Apparently the person in the next stall doesn't want their feet tickled.
←Rate | 10-19-2012 06:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Walmart has announced that all normal looking people will now have to pay admission to enter the store
←Rate | 05-02-2012 08:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking.
←Rate | 12-14-2011 16:30 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Boy goes to a strip club; His mom gets angry and asks him: "did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see?"; Boy: ''yes I saw Dad
←Rate | 04-20-2011 05:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this bar.
←Rate | 03-02-2011 08:35 by Derek Comments (0)  

   messageicon Accidentally wore a red shirt & khaki pants to Target today &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
←Rate | 11-13-2012 05:07 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bikinis expose 90% of a woman's body, but men are so decent and well-behaved that they only look at the 10% that is covered.
←Rate | 05-09-2012 12:54 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love how my George Foreman Grill separates the grease and fat, so I have something to dip my burger in.
←Rate | 05-12-2013 10:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Who else still thinks they have super powers, but they just don't know how to activate them yet?
←Rate | 12-07-2011 21:17 by fadolo Comments (0)  

   messageicon Broke a light bulb today. Seven years of bad ideas?
←Rate | 05-28-2012 22:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon what happens in vegas never happens to me
←Rate | 07-04-2011 06:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You said you love spending time with your children. School Snow Days determined that was a lie.
←Rate | 02-20-2015 11:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
←Rate | 05-19-2014 20:52 Comments (0)  

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