Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's so cold outside, I just accidentally keyed someone's car with my nipples.

   Why is it that people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?

   The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.

   Thinking of putting a Coronavirus Quarantine sign on my door to discourage solicitors.

   I'm having a quarintine party this weekend. None of you are invited

   Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He's obviously an undercover cop.

   Hey Jussie, everyone makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over it.

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.

   A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.

   So how long before GoFundMe is our nation's leading health care provider?

   People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.

   Einstein was a genius. It was his brother Frank that created a monster.

   My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.

   "I'm great at spelling bees. But hopless at spelling other words."

   Does rocking a vending machine count as exercise?

   The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks.

   People say "If you want loyalty, get a dog," but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

   Coffee spelled backwards is "eeffoc". Just know that I don't give eeffoc until I've had my morning coffee.

   If Lassie was a cat, little Timmy would've died in that well...