Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If you open a doughnut shop and don't name it "Hole Foods" well, what's the matter with you?
←Rate | 03-23-2017 20:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Went to buy a pack of smokes and this lady behind me says "you should really quit smoking".i said I know but I'm worried if I quit smoking I might start murdering. That shut her up pretty
←Rate | 03-24-2017 15:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
←Rate | 03-07-2012 12:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
←Rate | 06-26-2014 13:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Most fortune cookies are too boring and cliché. So, I've decided to start my own fortune cookie company. My goal is to at least make the fortunes more accessible and realistic. Such as: You will experience a horrific bowel movement in about 10 minutes.
←Rate | 03-10-2011 15:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
←Rate | 07-06-2011 17:42 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.
←Rate | 06-01-2011 10:58 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Broke a light bulb today. Seven years of bad ideas?
←Rate | 05-28-2012 22:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women are like iPhones. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.
←Rate | 02-16-2012 14:25 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.
←Rate | 11-19-2012 19:17 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet our entire universe is just in a tiny glass jar placed neatly on a shelf in an alien child's room as a science project he got a C- on
←Rate | 04-12-2013 21:22 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love how my George Foreman Grill separates the grease and fat, so I have something to dip my burger in.
←Rate | 05-12-2013 10:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You said you love spending time with your children. School Snow Days determined that was a lie.
←Rate | 02-20-2015 11:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
←Rate | 05-02-2012 07:36 by Pong Lenis Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies, if you get in an argument with a guy and you have no chance of winning, start playing with your boobs. Trust me on this one.
←Rate | 07-31-2012 10:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Based on how I react when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
←Rate | 01-08-2014 12:57 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon Like this status if you have ever tried to accomplish something before the microwave timer ends.
←Rate | 12-03-2010 09:57 by Heather25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Winter: It's like the crazy murderer in a horror movie. Just when you think it's dead, it strikes one last time.
←Rate | 03-28-2011 15:00 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know I got to thinkin about it and I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 26 years...... that is 9,490 sit-ups and not ONE ab to show for it....
←Rate | 01-05-2015 19:02 by MWC Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've never been skydiving,, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.
←Rate | 09-11-2012 09:16 by Aaron Comments (2)  

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