Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I identify as a microwave dinner, because I’m ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I’m just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate.

   Octopuses are just wet spiders.

   If you’re not happy single, try dating apps. You’ll still be single, but you’ll appreciate it a lot more.

   I’m busy right now, can I ignore you later?

   Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.

   When you’re tired of your cat showing you it’s butthole so you show it yours.

   Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.

   Everyone I know is a “snack getting stuck in a vending machine” away from total collapse.

   The only way I can catch errors in my messages, is to read them from my sent folder. 😏

   Therapist: “What brings you in today?” Me: Every time my husband puts the dishes away, he puts them in a different location. Therapist: “I’ll cancel all my appointments.”

   Moved the thermostat up one degree this morning as a little treat for the family.

   When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.

   A mistake that makes you humble is better than an achievement that makes you arrogant.

   God Bless Rednecks! Merica!

   Quiz question: Would you rather be stuck on an island all alone or with someone you hate, and why? Answer: I would rather be stuck on an island with someone I hate, so I would have something to eat.

   Stop bringing crappy Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came out into the woods to hear Katy Perry.

   Most folks keep their trap shut when they’ve nothing interesting to say. Not you, your flipper flaps like the national deficit.

   Rachel has 16 chocolate bars. Tracy takes 4 from her and asks for the remaining quarter. What would she end up with? Me: A sucker-punch in the breadbox.

   A satisfied life is better than a successful life. Because our success is measured by others, our satisfaction is measured by our own hearts, minds, and souls.

   If we get invaded by space aliens, I’m immediately defecting to the alien side, sorry.