Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 7 of 6353

I identify as a microwave dinner, because I’m ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I’m just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate.
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06-18-2022 00:58
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Octopuses are just wet spiders.
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07-03-2022 06:38
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If you’re not happy single, try dating apps. You’ll still be single, but you’ll appreciate it a lot more.
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04-29-2022 00:48
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I’m busy right now, can I ignore you later?
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01-19-2023 04:08
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Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.
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01-23-2023 03:36
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When you’re tired of your cat showing you it’s butthole so you show it yours.
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01-06-2023 02:08
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Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.
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01-08-2023 02:10
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Everyone I know is a “snack getting stuck in a vending machine” away from total collapse.
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01-08-2023 17:23
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The only way I can catch errors in my messages, is to read them from my sent folder. 😏
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01-24-2023 00:19
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Therapist: “What brings you in today?” Me: Every time my husband puts the dishes away, he puts them in a different location. Therapist: “I’ll cancel all my appointments.”
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01-08-2023 17:22
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Moved the thermostat up one degree this morning as a little treat for the family.
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01-10-2023 01:36
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When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.
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06-30-2022 01:06
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A mistake that makes you humble is better than an achievement that makes you arrogant.
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06-28-2022 23:42
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God Bless Rednecks! Merica!
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01-06-2023 01:23
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Quiz question: Would you rather be stuck on an island all alone or with someone you hate, and why? Answer: I would rather be stuck on an island with someone I hate, so I would have something to eat.
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01-08-2023 17:25
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Stop bringing crappy Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came out into the woods to hear Katy Perry.
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04-17-2022 00:55
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Most folks keep their trap shut when they’ve nothing interesting to say. Not you, your flipper flaps like the national deficit.
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01-23-2023 03:41
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Rachel has 16 chocolate bars. Tracy takes 4 from her and asks for the remaining quarter. What would she end up with? Me: A sucker-punch in the breadbox.
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01-10-2023 01:42
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A satisfied life is better than a successful life. Because our success is measured by others, our satisfaction is measured by our own hearts, minds, and souls.
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06-24-2022 23:13
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If we get invaded by space aliens, I’m immediately defecting to the alien side, sorry.
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04-27-2022 01:12
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