Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!

   Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

   Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He's obviously an undercover cop.

   Any coincidence that OJ gets parole about the same time that Ford Motor Company brings back the Bronco?

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.

   If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.

   I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.

   Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.

   Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't had a meeting yet.

   I ran into my ex the other day...hit reverse...and ran into her again.

   Too many of environmentally friendly philosophers in the world and not enough people willing to bend over to pick up a piece of garbage.

   Even looking at LinkedIn's logo can result in an unsolicited email.

   Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.

   A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.

   So how long before GoFundMe is our nation's leading health care provider?

   People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   That Jussie dude sounds like such an A-hole you'd think he could have just gotten beat up based on his personality.