Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   It’s so cold, I saw chickens lined up outside KFC waiting their turn in the deep fryer.

   Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..

   WebMD is updating their servers because of a virus. Well, they think it's a virus, but it could be kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.

   If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone

   My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

   If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.

   Just bought a new picture frame to hang a photo in my wall that came with a stock photo of a really beutiful family that reminds me of a lot of my facebook friends, who I dont know either.

   i bought an awesome watch the other day, It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.

   Facebook needs to make a "Slap you in the face with a dictionary" button

   I want my tombstone to read; "I don't know where ya’ll gonna get your laughs now"

   Mark Zuckerberg is probably the last person we should trust, and I mean that both literally and alphabetically

   Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

   Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.

   Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."

   'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be

   Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...

   All I want for Christmas is you ...... Just kidding I want Money