Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

   At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.

   Every Halloween I turn on Unchained Melody, and sit in front of a pottery wheel in the hopes that Patrick Swayze will return.

   Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

   "I look ridiculous!" --First wolf in sheep's clothing

   My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

   Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson hasn't released a movie in three weeks. I hope he's okay.

   Thinking of making a horror movie titled Front Facing Camera

   When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.

   I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.

   There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.

   "Elon Musk" sounds like a new fragrance from Pierre Cardin.

   If you’re stranded in the middle of the ocean, don’t fart. Scramble the letters and make a raft.

   The bad thing about political jokes is sometimes they get elected. . .

   The difference between a conspiracy theory and reality is about two weeks.

   Since we cancelled COPS, & LivePD can we also cancel The View?

   Sold my homing pigeon 142 times last year on eBay.

   People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.

   If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.