Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need to get my life together but I’m kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put any real effort into it.

   You: Perhaps they’re not stars in the sky, but rather openings in heaven where our loved ones shine down to let us know that they’re happy. Me: Can I buy some weed from you?

   When you send a risky text and see (….) for ten minutes.

   The Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

   You technically have 2 minutes to live, but every time you breathe it restarts the timer.

   That sweaty first kiss balled up on the couch, hand up her shirt, praying your parents don’t walk in on a Saturday night.

   You: Be noble, for you are made from the stars. Be humble, for you are made from the earth. Me: Where do you get your weed?

   Talking to someone who decided to call instead of text: Yes, that’s correct… And, the horse you rode in on.

   “We need to change Washington DC from the inside.” Me: I say we blast off and nuke the entire site from orbit.

   There are two kinds of people, the ones who pack six days before a trip, and the ones who wake up the day of and realize they need to do a load of laundry, and then they marry each other.

   Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A. One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

   One of us is right and the other one is you.

   Need a conversation starter for your next cookout? Arrange the chicken pieces on the grill to look like a cat.

   Dear weather app, I don’t need a blinking light informing me that the pollen is high when my car looks like a Cheeto.

   War is when they tell you who the enemy is. Revolution is when you figure it out for yourself.

   I have a crush on 28 of you, figure it out.

   Her: The fences need painting and the car needs washing. Him: Kids! Who wants to learn karate.

   Soon, the public will be unable to think or reason for themselves. They’ll only be able to parrot the information that was given to them on the previous night’s news.

   Might get crazy tonight and go to bed at 10 instead of 9.

   Kicking open the bathroom stall at work after eating 4 jalapeno cheddar taquitos from the Exon Mobil gas station on my lunch break.