Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   My cat has a fun new game called Catch & Release.. It catches the mice outside and brings them into the house and releases them.

   Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.

   The people that are trying to make the world worse never take a day off, why should I? Light up the darkness.

   Will Starbucks become a homeless shelter with their new store policy?

   I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington's decision when he reached the Delaware.

   Not sure who will be performing at the Super Bowl half-time this season but I am already furious about it

   This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house

   I must be getting old. Since when does 2 to 4 inches of snow become a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called flurries, and we complained it wasn't enough to even have a good snowball fight, let along close schools.

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.

   My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn. She called me over here an hour ago to fix her sink and I'm still fixing the sink.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.

   Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.

   If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.

   A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth

   It’s time for a new holiday, where people give gifts they don’t want.

   If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?

   Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.

   I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

   My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.