Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   I'm starting to worry that I can't stab someone in front of a cop without getting shot

   There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.

   The bad thing about political jokes is sometimes they get elected. . .

   So how long before GoFundMe is our nation's leading health care provider?

   People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.

   Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time

   *Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy

   I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

   Facebook just suggested I poke my wife.....yeah good one Facebook.....been trying for weeks!

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

   I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.

   I’ve done some terrible things for money...... Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

   Her: So, are you seeing anyone? Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

   And just like that, people on Facebook went from being politicians to being epidemiologists.

   Now all of a sudden having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, a gallon of bleach and plastic sheeting in the trunk of my car is okay.

   My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

   The secret to looking younger is telling people that you are older

   The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.