Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not to brag, but in some circles I am known as “That chick who always knocks stuff over.”

   They say two heads are better than one. Untill it's their baby.

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer? You smart people just grinned; didn't you?

   "You tube's How to use a fire extinguisher shouldn't have a advert before it.

   You can tell the Beastie Boys were really close because they would finish each other’s sentences.

   The more random people you see jogging for no reason the higher the rent is going up

   it's so hot, Bloods and Crips have resorted to shooting each other with super soakers

   If someone works with a bunch of a$$holes all day. Can they add proctologist to their resume?

   That annoying moment when you cannot find the long side of your blanket.

   If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

   The I before E except after C rule has been disproven by science.

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.

   When does hibernation start? Because I'm 100% participating in that!!

   My Girlfriend says our sex-life is so bad because I get so easily distracted? Ah well!..back to it I suppose!

   I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?"

   Jerk chicken is just like regular chicken, but it drives a BMW and doesn't care about your feelings.

   My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.

   Gun sales hit #1 record for a Black Friday sales item.