Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.

   Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.

   You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

   There are some incredibly dumb people in this world. Thank you for helping me understand that.

   My favorite queso is the one you keep around for emergencies, just in queso.

   God Bless Rednecks! Merica!

   Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!

   Beginning to see the need for censorship. Certain people are just too ignorant to be allowed to speak.

   Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.

   Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.

   I would slap the crap out of you, but there would be nothing left.

   Security at every level of the airport is insane, until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s like, take whatever bag you want. 😂

   Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.

   Oops, my bad. Thought I was dealing with an adult.

   I love to shop, but I’ll never buy your bull.

   You take the blue pill, the election ends, you wake up in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you dispute the fraud and I show you how deep the rabbit hole really goes.

   Congratulations, everyone who heard what you just said had their IQ drop 90 points.

   CDC: Covid is more deadly when people are obese. Gov: “Close The Gyms!”

   Hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.

   Your face makes onions cry.