Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.

   Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.

   House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success.

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.

   People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."

   Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.

   May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!

   Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults

   The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"

   Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.

   My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

   I need a leaf blower, but for people.

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.

   Your posts are going viral, just like herpes.

   Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.