Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon A son's prayer "Lord, please let me grow up to be just like my dad." A Fathers prayer "Lord, please let me be the kind of man my son thinks I am."
←Rate | 04-15-2010 02:00 by wfbphoto Comments (0)  

   messageicon SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: The amount of Alcohol consumed can directly increase the amount of facebook activity.
←Rate | 04-15-2010 17:02 by Tracy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now it's too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
←Rate | 06-16-2016 01:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
←Rate | 08-12-2013 10:33 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bikinis expose 90% of a woman's body, but men are so decent and well-behaved that they only look at the 10% that is covered.
←Rate | 05-09-2012 12:54 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon My phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian and that, people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.
←Rate | 04-30-2015 13:35 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon New Years Resolution: Date more models. Revised: Date more. Revised: Get a date. Revised: stop crying while masturbating.
←Rate | 12-28-2011 02:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when those kids on MTV Teen Cribs say, "this is my infinity pool." No. That's your parents' infinity pool. All you did was fall out of the right vagina.
←Rate | 04-01-2010 14:30 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Like this status if you have ever tried to accomplish something before the microwave timer ends.
←Rate | 12-03-2010 09:57 by Heather25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
←Rate | 03-22-2012 13:47 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul!! Think he is trying to bust a move.
←Rate | 03-14-2013 15:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We were so close, I never noticed I had been deleted as a friend.
←Rate | 01-20-2012 10:54 by Jerry Carter Comments (0)  

   messageicon To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
←Rate | 01-24-2013 06:29 by Stan Brown Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women are like iPhones. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.
←Rate | 02-16-2012 14:25 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you mix Taco Bell sauce into your ramen, It tastes exactly like poverty
←Rate | 04-09-2012 12:28 by SlowMotionNinja Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think of romance,the last thing I think of is a short,chubby child coming at me with a weapon.
←Rate | 02-03-2010 19:00 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.
←Rate | 12-24-2012 15:34 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
←Rate | 02-18-2013 17:53 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet our entire universe is just in a tiny glass jar placed neatly on a shelf in an alien child's room as a science project he got a C- on
←Rate | 04-12-2013 21:22 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon In high school I was voted "most likely to succeed". Boy, did I prove those idiots wrong!
←Rate | 05-03-2012 11:44 by SEAN Comments (0)  

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