Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 02:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Australian Kiss ~ Kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
←Rate | 06-23-2022 01:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.
←Rate | 06-24-2022 23:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What does the sign on the out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we’re closed.
←Rate | 06-26-2022 00:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.
←Rate | 06-27-2022 03:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There is only one way to avoid criticism: Say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.
←Rate | 06-27-2022 03:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s time for the 99% of us who are not offended by everything to quit catering to the 1% who are.
←Rate | 06-30-2022 01:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I grew up with six siblings. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom.
←Rate | 07-23-2022 23:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Grocery shopping is a constant battle between not buying snacks, so you won’t be tempted and being angry that there’s nothing to eat.
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.
←Rate | 01-06-2023 19:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon “I want the truth!” Independent fact checkers, with the direction of the FBI, have concluded that you can’t handle the truth.
←Rate | 01-07-2023 12:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.
←Rate | 01-07-2023 13:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whistleblower comes forward with claims that strangers drag him from place to place, make him sign papers, read words on monitors and he hardly gets any ice cream.
←Rate | 05-22-2022 03:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was born a male and I identify as a male, but according to Stouffers portions, I'm a family of four.
←Rate | 06-07-2022 12:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Jurassic World is about a pharma company that uses a DNA-altering pathogen to destroy farmland and deliberately cause a worldwide food crisis to force everyone to buy their products. Science Fiction is Fun!
←Rate | 06-20-2022 03:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Your handwriting is just your hand’s accent.
←Rate | 07-23-2022 23:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Lady: How did you fix that horrible annoying noise my car was making? Auto Technician: We simply removed your Taylor Swift CD and replaced it with Van Halen. 😎
←Rate | 01-24-2023 00:16 Comments (0)  




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