Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.

   My Life Coach just told me that I've been in the placebo group. FML.

   Learn to fight like your the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!

   Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.

   Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?

   My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.

   For the most intelligent species on this planet, how did we end up with 5 Sharknado movies? Seriously?

   Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1x

   I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey

   I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.

   How good am I at the sex? Imgaine a symphonic rock concert played under a fireworks show while tripping on acid. I'm the opposite of that.

   It's so hot out that gangs are doing drive-bys with water pistols!

   Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

   OJ said he has lived a conflict free life. Unless, he thinks you are or our have his property. Then watch out. Things get crazy.

   when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall

   People are like mattresses. You start out firm then end up sagging in the middle.

   In United's defense, they only claimed the skies were friendly. They said nothing about what happens on the ground.

   My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

   Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later.

   If there is watermelon why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the elemelons