Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My grocery store is trying to be more eco-friendly by lowering the amount of plastic bags used. Great, but perhaps we can start by not giving me a foot-long receipt every time of buy a bag of Doritos.
←Rate | 08-21-2010 11:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when I'm laughing & my ass falls off.
←Rate | 03-01-2011 15:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn't name their baby 'BeJay'.
←Rate | 01-13-2012 11:41 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when those kids on MTV Teen Cribs say, "this is my infinity pool." No. That's your parents' infinity pool. All you did was fall out of the right vagina.
←Rate | 04-01-2010 14:30 Comments (2)  

   messageicon To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
←Rate | 01-24-2013 06:29 by Stan Brown Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads
←Rate | 01-09-2012 12:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Like this status if you have ever tried to accomplish something before the microwave timer ends.
←Rate | 12-03-2010 09:57 by Heather25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
←Rate | 03-22-2012 13:47 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon The number one thing I learned on xbox live is, a lot of 12 year olds have slept with my mom.
←Rate | 07-14-2011 18:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know I got to thinkin about it and I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 26 years...... that is 9,490 sit-ups and not ONE ab to show for it....
←Rate | 01-05-2015 19:02 by MWC Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've never been skydiving,, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.
←Rate | 09-11-2012 09:16 by Aaron Comments (2)  

   messageicon Haters are like crickets, you can't see them but you can hear them, and when you walk by them they are quiet. 
←Rate | 04-21-2011 21:56 by Surge Yarmolyuk Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's taken me awhile but I think I'm finally ready to accept that it's not butter
←Rate | 08-07-2011 02:17 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon In honor of it being Friday the 13th, whenever I hear a strange noise, I'm going to investigate it braless, and wearing cute panties.
←Rate | 01-13-2012 13:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon wonders how I can remember lyrics to a song I haven't heard since 1986. But can't, even for a million bucks; remember why I'm just standing in the middle of the kitchen
←Rate | 04-23-2011 07:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I may look calm, but in my head I've punched you in the face 3 times!
←Rate | 03-23-2011 16:33 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
←Rate | 01-08-2015 17:07 by @1_Jack_Jacko Comments (0)  

   messageicon You show me a giant stuffed hippopotamus at a Wal-Mart and I'd NEVER even consider buying it. But at the local county fair... I'll spend every last penny I have to be the bad ass walking to my car with it.
←Rate | 08-30-2010 06:27 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon Feeling Bored? Post a status on Facebook that says " Hillary Clinton 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
←Rate | 04-21-2015 10:38 by remy911 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet there's a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
←Rate | 09-06-2014 15:57 by Baddie Comments (0)  

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