Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   T-Rex shares gender reveal party with friends, Yucatan Peninsula 66 million years ago.

   Some of you have never heard the story of the “Little Engine that Could,” and it shows.

   Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You’re one of them.

   The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have now started asking humans to prove they are not a robot.

   Getting offended by something posted on the internet is like choosing to step in dog crap instead of walking around it.

   All I want to do is go outside, then inside, then outside, then inside. ~ The Dog

   When your landlord finds all your dog collars and leashes, but you don’t have a dog. ~ I’m a kinky girl, I’m a very kinky girl.

   Its not that I hate kids, i'm just following the instructions of every medicine bottle in my bathroom cabinet "Keep away from children"

   I’ve spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house, but they still get in.

   T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt. It's because of the small arms.

   An empty browser history says more than a full one.

   Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep screwing me.

   The same people who are candy to our eyes can be poison to our hearts. Study their ingredients before feeding them to your soul.

   Raising a teenager is like having a cat that only comes out to eat and hisses at you whenever you try to be nice to it.

   If she starts drawing shapes on your chest after sex, just get up and leave. A very stupid question is coming.

   Reach ~ as high as you can, and then a little higher. There you will find magic and possibility… and maybe even cookies.

   Date a cat owner. They love something that doesn’t even like them back.

   A patient cured is a customer lost.

   Nothing brightens up a room like your absence.

   You technically have 2 minutes to live, but every time you breathe it restarts the timer.