Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.

   This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.

   I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.

   A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth

   I must be getting old. Since when does 2 to 4 inches of snow become a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called flurries, and we complained it wasn't enough to even have a good snowball fight, let along close schools.

   If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

   Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.

   Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

   Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.

   Jerk chicken is just like regular chicken, but it drives a BMW and doesn't care about your feelings.

   My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.

   Will Starbucks become a homeless shelter with their new store policy?

   it just me or doesn't anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?

   Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

   I just apologized to a chair for walking into it. Let's focus on my manners before you judge my sobriety.

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

   The people that are trying to make the world worse never take a day off, why should I? Light up the darkness.

   Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space