Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The trash gets picked up tomorrow, be ready.

   Putting groceries in the freezer is like Tetris, taking them out is like Jenga.

   There’s no water in hell, only a bunch of sick jokes about pee-pees.

   Your face makes onions cry.

   Congratulations, everyone who heard what you just said had their IQ drop 90 points.

   Before Therapy: I hate people. After Therapy: I feel good about hating people.

   If you have ever sat on the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.

   When people tell me “you’re gonna regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon, because I’m a problem solver.

   It’s cute when you try to string words into a complete sentence.

   When a dog wags it’s tail, it’s happy. When a cat wags it’s tail, step back.

   Doctor Doggo: “Hmmm…. I see. Have you tried barking at nothing? That might help.”

   Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.

   It’s called a joke, we used to tell them before people got drunk on soymilk.

   You must’ve been born on the highway, that’s where a lot of accidents happen.

   Whole Foods announced that a Prius left it’s lights on in the parking lot, and now I have the whole store to myself.

   Those who are capable of tyranny are capable of perjury to sustain it.

   When you show up at the orgy and it’s actually an intervention.

   There are two kinds of people, the ones who pack six days before a trip, and the ones who wake up the day of and realize they need to do a load of laundry, and then they marry each other.

   When someone is driving like a jerk, so you look to see how dumb they really look.

   You don’t like being treated the way that you treat others? That must really suck.