Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Pro tip: Use Shazam in your Uber to blow your drivers mind with your knowledge of their obscure immigrant music.
←Rate | 11-21-2017 13:09 by AkeelyMac Comments (0)  


   messageicon Your posts are going viral, just like herpes.
←Rate | 11-20-2017 22:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 11:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 08:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wanted you, but couldn't find the cheat codes to the game you playing.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s so cold, I saw chickens lined up outside KFC waiting their turn in the deep fryer.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 05:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you can't win an argument with someone, correct their grammar instead
←Rate | 01-11-2018 03:23 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.
←Rate | 01-16-2018 00:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones that need the advice?
←Rate | 02-01-2018 09:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
←Rate | 09-25-2017 18:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tweet others the same way you want them to tweet you.
←Rate | 09-27-2017 12:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No matter how much you push the envelope - it'll still be stationery.
←Rate | 09-29-2017 09:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon y doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.
←Rate | 07-11-2017 05:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be
←Rate | 07-16-2017 20:17 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon So on "The Bachelor," a guy gets to make out with 20 different hot women and each one of them is convinced that he'd be the perfect husband. And this is a "reality" show?
←Rate | 09-25-2017 23:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Today I saw a homeless man holding a sign that said "why live in a 100k home when I can live under a 3 million dollar bridge?" Now thats what I call being BOLD
←Rate | 01-16-2018 02:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did
←Rate | 01-18-2018 21:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I keep my credit cards in the refrigerator so they stay fresh past their expiration dates
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don't serve breakfast?
←Rate | 01-30-2018 06:59 Comments (1)  


   messageicon A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.
←Rate | 02-05-2018 23:35 by Jake Comments (2)  



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