Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want my paychecks in pennies so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck.

   4 o’clock and all is Welp.

   Masks are the new bra. They’re uncomfortable; you only wear them in public, and when you don’t wear one, everyone notices.

   Ever wonder what it feels like being Putin? Try my three-bean salad.

   Can't think of a better way to end pride month

   How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

   If I had an Australian Accent, I would never shut up.

   Do you believe in the “here after?” Then you know what I’m here after.

   I’ve got bitemarks all over my tongue from all the things that I didn’t say.

   When you find out she’s a little crazy, but now you like her even more.

   I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...

   That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.

   Blackened Chicken Recipe: 1. Clean chicken 2. Place chicken in oven 3. Go check social media

   What you just said, is one of the most idiotic things I have ever heard. Everyone is now dumber for having listened to it. May God have mercy on your soul.

   If she spits on her hot-dog before eating it, you are in for a treat my man.

   The secret to looking younger is telling people that you are older

   Going outside to vacuum the driveway. I do this every so often... just to ensure the neighbors never talk to me...

   If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.

   Her: So, are you seeing anyone? Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

   I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.