Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time

   I’ve done some terrible things for money...... Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

   If your ideology makes you hide your face with a mask, then you are a coward.

   Can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

   Let go of my ears, I know what I’m doing.

   I want my paychecks in pennies so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck.

   4 o’clock and all is Welp.

   Masks are the new bra. They’re uncomfortable; you only wear them in public, and when you don’t wear one, everyone notices.

   Ever wonder what it feels like being Putin? Try my three-bean salad.

   How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

   If I had an Australian Accent, I would never shut up.

   Hunter Biden walks away from multiple felony charges. The media; look, a submarine!

   Do you believe in the “here after?” Then you know what I’m here after.

   I’ve got bitemarks all over my tongue from all the things that I didn’t say.

   When you find out she’s a little crazy, but now you like her even more.

   Welcome to Disney, where dreams we approve of come true.

   Mice die in mouse traps because they don’t understand why the cheese is free. The same thing happens with leftists.

   I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...

   That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.

   Blackened Chicken Recipe: 1. Clean chicken 2. Place chicken in oven 3. Go check social media