Snotty Funny Status Messages

   When my son asked my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance, I said "maybe she went bIack",,., and now I don't have to help with homework

   You seem crazy,,,, But let's buy tambourines and see how far we can take this...

   Vet suggested cayenne pepper to get the dog to stop eating her poop....Sounds good...nothing says dignified like seasoning your dog's poops.

   My sister is adopted,, but I like to tell people she's "a rescue".

   "Ahh,,Yes,Yes,,,I can see where you're coming from." - My Urologist,,, He's a kidder,,

   So,,, The dog won our farting contest... I'm going to bed to think about what I could've done differently.

   My life coach just advised me to,,, "run out the clock"

   Calm down,,, the rhythm is not going to get you.

   Oh and BTW, ,, Why haven't Pig Pen's parents been visited by child services yet?

   Forgot to wear my Sons of Anarchy shirt to Walmart again.

   My other palindrome is a kayak.................................... my new bumpersticker

   I'll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers

   "I'll need a table for 5 and napkins for 70.".... -- Me, with my wife and kids entering any restaurant--

   People always say moth balls have a very distinguishable smell... but I can never get their little legs apart

   4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

   Art Gunfunkel is short for Arthur Garfunkel, and Paul Simon is short for a man.

   PLEASE,, Let's have a moment of silence for all those who have ever been stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles..

   OMG you guys!. I Almost hit a jogger while I was taking a selfie and driving today... So please you guys, be careful,,, do NOT jog.

   Well,,, I'm off to leave single shoes on the side of the highway for my annual summer road trip.. Yeah, that's me,,,,, I've been doing that.

   WAIT????.. Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable,,, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "ruining our credit."