Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She said she loves me but her PMS just showed up today

   When science realized they mistakenly agreed to take my body they offered to pay my cryogenics bill indefinitely.

   brb getting down to business to defeat the Huns

   The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird

   Where did the word "etymology" come from?

   When they shoot scenes w stagecoaches in Westerns, I bet the horses think "Hey wtf? We're not supposed to have to do this sheet anymore"

   I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude's grasp on the English language was, like... twelveuous.

   It's with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all! My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y'all or him. So, I'm gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber ..

   Throw away an avocado skin? In this economy? *makes avocado skin suits. *sells them on Etsy.

   Not having a sexx life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

   Those who ignore my posts... may your crush fall in love with your best friend

   My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!” This day is looking better already!

   People who make their cars come to a complete halt on top of a railroad tracks to look both ways to see if a train is coming need to stop!....I mean go!

   How can there be a Facebookers Anonymous group on Facebook?

   almost annoyed by the fact that Pablo Escobar spent most of his life tucking in his shirt but he’s only remembered for selling drugs.

   From 10 to 250 and RISING.

   I'm so old that my family tree starts with me.

   KFC has teamed up with scientists in the U.K. to create edible coffee cups made with cookies and wrapped in sugar. It's perfect if you've ever wanted to wake up and give up at the same time.

   I wish some of my childhood friends who Iv lost contact with could somehow find me as I think I'm still 'it' from a game of hide-n-seek.

   Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you're eating you can't get crumbs in your bra. Turtleneck con: see above.