Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved

   What's 23 + 44 ???

   If medicine worked you wouldn't need to refill your prescription... If food worked you wouldn't have to keep eating. Not all medicines are cures, some prevent things.

   The ocean is technically soup and now my brain hurts.

   Does anyone have any cool new ideas for grifting? My net worth is actually a negative number.

   Marriage tip: When your wife says you're only coming in to get one thing, always grab a cart, because she's lying. Follow me for more marriage advice.

   I kept staring at the orange juice carton too long because it said "Concentrate"!

   Grandkids just watched Cujo for the first time. Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later?

   The notion that all these great jobs are gonna fly back to us is complete nonsense. We don't want these low paying manufacturing jobs. And the entire strategy is completely dividing this administration. WTF did I vote for? This is a disaster.

   If you get on an airplane nowadays, you're out of your mind.

   GaryKoenig, please, for the love of God STOP, you lame asshole.

   I took pregnancy while autistic so now I'm Tylenol.

   I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving. And I hope you have a happy today too.

   John, I have two bad news, which one do you want to hear first?" "Combine them!" "Your wife cheats us!"

   GaryKoenig is back in full force.

   Did you hear about the duck who walked into a convenience store to buy some chap stick and cashier asked cash or charge? And duck said just put it on my bill.

   Wondering, what are the aliens on the dark side of the moon doing? Seeing the sun for the first time?

   Who's the faigg with no life?

   I'd believe the asshole if he claimed his address was 6969 Bendover Ave.

   Judo is what you use to make bagels. 🥯