Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember ladies, when the devil can’t reach you he sends you a broke man who is good in bed

   Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in the car like they've just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey's Anatomy?

   I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening tools, Its called beeches and hoes..

   Marriage tip: Remember to always leave a healthy amount of cups and trash laying around your house. That way your wife always has something to clean up. A busy wife is a happy wife.

   All of you, my friends are like boobs. Some of y’all are real, some are fake. But all of y’all need to be pinched.

   OK, what genius decided to call them "Falsies" and not "Delusions of Glandular"?

   Just once in my life, I'd actually like to see a liar's pants catch on fire.

   You gotta love these women on Facebook that never ♥️ your posts because they're married. Meanwhile, their husbands are flirting with anything that has 2 holes and a heartbeat.

   Whatever…Reese’s Eggs are cheaper and taste better than real eggs anyway.

   Trump won. 🏆

   Look at all the pitiful haters out there making gay jokes about me as though it were some sort of insult. I thought you supported gay rights? But now it's supposed to be a negative thing? LOL

   क्या कोई मुझे अजीब स्थिति संदेश वेबसाइट पर निर्देशित कर सकता है?

   The biggest mistake people make in a relationship is giving their heart to someone who needs a brain.

   Remember when we used to do prank calls growing up? Now those spam calls are karma getting us back.

   Podría alguien dirigirme a un sitio web divertido de mensajes de estado?

   It's ironic that the two O's in 'cooperate' insisted on having their own separate sounds.

   What do I like most about my job? Payday, breaks and leaving.

   This administration is going to be looked at as the worst administration in the history of the United States. The entire country is being laughed at, and it's become a complete embarrassment

   The weakest, dumbest, most pathetic coward to ever sit behind that desk. He's a joke. And I piss on him.

   Give a 👎 if you're ok with Tr*mp and El*n r*ping more women.