Funny Status Messages
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Not sure why Jesus hadn't figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper. 
How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.
More like your meth smoking mama driving in the left lane on I-95.
Elon musk is not the richest man in the world. His boss is.
Who's his boss?
Vladimir Putin
What had 200 legs and no pubic hair? Front row at a Taylor Swift concert
I don't procrastinate. I wait until it becomes urgent enough to feel important.
The thing with older women is you never know whether you're in the vag or a wrinkle.
Not to brag but cashier's always check me out.
I can’t sleep and just wanna eat all night. I think I have insom-nom-nom-nomnia.
I hate doing laundry so much that I wait until the only thing I have left to wear is my very old prom dress.
As the weekend approaches remember this, " A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it's better to be thoroughly sure. ”
I can't understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.
My wife and I have been married for quite some time. Our secret is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
If Cookie Monster loved cookies so much, he sure did waste a lot while eating them. I need to know.
Amazon's customer service strategy is simple. Here's your refund. Leave us alone!
I accidentally took my dogs meds this morning...TELL ME I'M A GOOD BOY ... I'M A GOOD BOY RIGHT ? WANNA SCRATCH MY BUTT ? CAN I SMELL YOURS ?
Wanna make a car dealer uncomfortable? Just say, "Tell me if you can hear this". Then get in the trunk and start screaming.
I haven’t been this excited about a new year since last year.
I wish I had enough money to discover that it doesn't actually make me happy. 