Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Common sense is like deodorant... The people who really need it never use it.

   If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don't mind it at all.

   Everyone talks about global warming, but what about global humidity?

   Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

   Well, like I said to my television the other day watching Brandon. How can these people be so stupid?

   Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

   My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

   big butt

   Trying to get used to this new AI app that's supposed to correct your grammar but it's changing stuff without my permission and I'm starting to think that it has a mind of its PAY NO ATTENTION TO THIS MAN. ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS HARMLESS.

   They say vapor-rub is good for a stomach ache.. but I think it tastes terrible.. and it gave me diarhrea...

   I bought some potting soil on Sale. You might say it was "dirt cheap".

   All of you, my friends are like boobs. Some of y’all are real, some are fake. But all of y’all need to be pinched.

   Marriage tip: If your lady wants something with diamonds in it, get her a deck of cards. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

   Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”

   “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.”

   Juneteenf

   If we use feathers to tickle each other, what do birds use?

   Would boiling water in a balloon work in a water balloon fight? Asking for a friend 

   It doesn't require artificial intelligence to know that artificial sweeteners taste bad.