Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I borrowed my friend a tenner yesterday. This morning I found pictures of myself on the frontpage of most national newspaper with the following headline 'UK's third biggest lender'!

   Now remember, what happens in Vegas stays, in Vegas... Except herpes, that will come back with you.

   MARRIED: STOP, ok, on my list of things to do in life, getting married is LAST, right after suicide!!!

   in a relationship with Kate Gosselin.

   going to pull a borat on megan fox

   considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.

   wear his wife's eyeglasses because she wants him to see things her way

   wounders If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

   thinks there are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them

   say's never go to a Doctor whose plants are dead in the waiting room!

   the entrepreneur in me thinks I should be selling rocks in the streets of Iran.

   wondering what people in China call their good dishes?????

   wonders if Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

   has his popularity validated by the best organizations.... Even the Police consider me a person of interest!

   have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?

   thinking God must love stupid people...he made so many!

   Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

   someone needs to tell PETA that the White House is a "NO FLY ZONE".

   thought john and kate plus eight was a porno.

   Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.