Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   people are always asking whats the meaning of life, why dont they just look it up in the dictionary. Duh!!!!

   if rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

   if you want to know anything then come to my house because i've got a teenager here who knows everything

   loves animals...especially in gravy

   I read that smoking is bad so I stopped smoking, I read drinking is bad so I stopped drinking, I read that sex is bad so I stopped reading.

   has been watching a lot of these prison shows on TV and is wondering why you never see any midgets in prison? Is it because they get much shorter sentences?. . .

   thinks the best part about his job is that his chair spins!

   wondering if i'm updating my facebook status now, then who is watching the hostages?

   planning a night he can't remember!

   wants a Sunggie made out of ShamWow material

   the guy that put the laughter in manslaughter...

   wonders if you can bring sexy back without a reciept.

   i haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

   thinks Santa Claus has the right idea. Only visit people once a year

   panicking who will keep an eye on Russia if Sarah Palin moves stateside?!

   Never really got OxiClean to work the way Billy Mays could....

   just came back from a pleasure trip (took the mother-in-law to the bus station)

   wife hinted she wanted something shiny that could do 0 - 150 in 3 seconds for her birthday... So he bought her some bathroom scales

   that pirates are better than ninjas

   Knows what you did last summer... Thanks to good old Facebook