Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   will even let you hold the remote control

   curiosity overpowers knowledge.. Now I have a midget transvestite prostitue knocking on my door

   Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else......

   Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.......

   I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people............

   Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.....

   tired of counting down to the next weekend or vacation so.... only 18,245 days until retirement. Take that society!

   loving that 170 lbs I lost when you left.. not only do I look better.. I dont have your extra weight to carry around!

   made my car into a hybrid by siphoning gas out of your tank.

   I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get divorced I keep the house.

   Ex-wife For Sale...Just take over payment.

   says two fools make a moron, two morons make an imbecile, two imbeciles make an idiot and two idiots make a marriage.

   was thrown out of a casino for misunderstanding the use of a crap table.

   running with scissors and eating paste

   hoping to be abducted on Monday and set free on Friday...I know its a pretty wishful thinking.

   It's my birthday and I'll lie if I want to.

   : If Blind people wear Dark Glasses...why don't Deaf people wear Earmuffs?

   wonders...If 7-11 is open 24hrs a Day, 365 Days a year......Why are there locks on the door?

   Bloody speed cameras are a complete con. Not only do the photos take about five weeks to arrive, but they cost £75 a picture.

   campaigning early... 'Anyone Else 2012'