Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men marry a woman, hoping she's a nymphomaniac, and in a few years, the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.

   It's not a real relationship, until you've apologized to a locked bathroom door.

   If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually go to the bathroom in a day.

   Everyone go get vaccinated so we don't prove Darwin's theory of natural selection to be correct.

   PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

   If you wake up in the yard with no clothes on and you can't remember anything that happened, you are either a werewolf or you're in college.

   Listening to your problems

   The moment you think I'm stupid, I've already outsmarted you.

   My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him I'm married now, and that's where I sleep.

   White trash go to the movies Just for the trailers

   I miss the days before there was facebook when running into a friend you hadn't seen in while was like "Oh my God! what have you been up to?!" thats now like "Hey, I saw the casserole you posted last night, looked great"

   We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

   On the internet, you have a better chance of surviving The Oregon Trail than a trip to WebMD!

   I love Instagram... or as it should be called, "Insecure Bimbos With Daddy Issues and No Self-Respect."

   So, USAID gave Egypt $6million to develop tourism. It's obviously a pyramid scheme.

   A teenage cannibal came home one afternoon after football practice and his Dad said, "You're late. Everybody's already eaten."

   Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

   Hey! Where's the TDS afflicted loudmouth been?

   Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to social media?

   Tony Bennett passed away. I heard he donated his organs.He left his heart to San Francisco!