Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm still a rock star I tell myself as I heal from a finger sprain caused by opening a jug of milk !

   I looked up lighters on Ebay and all I could find was 13,749 matches.

   Dogs be like, "I can eat that whole cake in return for getting smacked on the ass with a newspaper? I'm goin' in!"

   Every year, my Christmas list begins with "Dear Santa, my sisters did it. But I have been very good this year, because I'm an angel!

   The holiday season is here. Remember to set your scales back 10lbs at midnight.

   For a generation who can't find a "good man" you ladies sure are pregnant a lot.

   Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

   Santa, you break into people's houses and eat their cookies; don't judge me.

   Oh! Oh! Oh!" ~Dyslexic Santa

   Tonight I will be visited by 3 "Spirits"............. Rum, Vodka, and Gin.

   I'm going to adopt a dog and call him Peeve. He'll be my pet, Peeve.

   Some people must go through an awful lot of soap, having to wash 2 faces and all .

   I wish Santa would just dump 100ft of coal around Biden and Nancy Pelosi's house.

   Due to the extreme coal shortage, Santa will be giving out Justin Bieber cds to all the bad kids this year.

   Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in the car like they've just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey's Anatomy?

   Let me get this straight; a fat man who breaks and enters into my home, who steals all my Christmas cookies, is the one who judges if I'm naughty or nice?

   What if we vaccinate a bunch of mosquitoes next Spring and release them?

   My favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

   Welcome to your 60s - you now think every car has its brights on.