Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

   PRIDE: If your identity is solely tethered to your sexual preference and the need to crow about it, you have bigger issues than which hole you like.

   There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

   Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes? This is why I stay up at nights.

   I'm tired of all these calls from SPAMAZON and SCAMAZON telling me someone placed a large order using my AMAZON account that I don't even have...

   It's kinda weird realizing that we are the last generation on this earth to know what life was like before social media.

   We need to start drilling for eggs on our own soil.

   Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

   Don't expect me to stop if you break down on the road. I'm sure that you were warned about your car's warranty expiring.

   Just got back from a Rocky Mountain Oyster Fest in Colorado. It was Nuts!

   Lotto Max is up to a full tank of gas and a buggy load of groceries.

   I no longer want to go through things that don't kill me but make me stronger.

   Yes, I didn't get the halftime show. I also didn't attend an F-rated school, I'm not part of the 13% that commits 60% of violent crimes, and I know who to send the Father's Day card to on Father's Day.

   The universe noticed a big pile of used, dirty rags in its laundry room. Instead of washing them, it put them on social media as narcissistic women.

   I just saw a guy with a "Support Dyslexia" bumper sticker on the front of his car.

   It amazing how much people LeBron James has triggered for his common sense views. I wish I had his talents.

   Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

   I bet there is just a lot of awkward silence after a mime orgy.

   If an old dude ever gives you advice while peeling an apple with a pocket knife and eating pieces right off the blade, you should probably take it.

   It was so hot in our apartment last night, to cool off I slept on my air hockey table."