Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch really isn't that bad. It's kind of manly, makes us feel like we are out camping... with a really angry bear nearby.

   Some days I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.

   Why are there no biological women trying to break into Men's bathrooms?

   Men, do not treat your woman like an object! It doesn't like that.

   She will always remember this as the day she almost caught captain Jack Sparrow

   I find it humorous that all of a sudden people care about the Afghanistan people. God, humans are so hypocritical.

   Saw this kid dressed as Dracula so I played along and stabbed him with a wooden stake, his mom was not happy

   You'll hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign two miles ago like I did.

   Don't forget that today is "small business Saturday" so only subscribe to OnlyFans accounts in your town

   Blacks comprise 13% of the US population. The exception being daytime TV court shows. Then it's 99%.

   Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire.

   Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

   The Dow goes sky high, just as expected, and will go higher when more trade deals are announced. All the l€ft talks about is Qatar giving us a jet, and how they were roughed up for bum-rushing an ICE facility.

   I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

   Doctor:Congratulations it's a musician! Dad: goddammit, he'll be living at home till he's 50

   Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

   You older women who are impressed that 25 year olds are attracted to you... Newsflash: 25 year olds would sleep with a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's Syrup if they could get her legs open.

   "When one door closes, another one opens"! -Boeing

   No matter how old you may be, an empty wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to use to bonk someone over the head with.

   і wіsh you could doordash some of you people knuckle sandwіches