Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

   If you've never held your baby in the air while your wife tries to squirt breastmilk in its mouth from across the room then you're a failure as a parent..

   If I call you and you don't answer, I will sing on your voicemail.

   Dec 21st falls on a Friday... What a sh*tty way to start the weekend..

   You can't choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.

   Just read an article about an invasive species of shrimp in U.S. waters that are up to 13 inches in length and weigh up to a 1/4 pound............................................... Give me some c0cktail sauce and I will personally do what I can to help.

   I live by my own rules... that my gf has reviewed, revised and then approved. BUT STILL MY OWN RULES!!!!

   I'm not lazy. Someone just stole my motivation. I'm the victim here!

   Not even my closest friends know me as well as my internet history does.

   I wonder how many times that fat kid on Adam's Family locked himself in the bathroom with a playboy and that freaky hand thing?!?!

   How is it that you can sue a cigarette company for cancer & Mcdonalds for getting fat, but you can't sue Budweiser for all the ugly people you've woke up next to?

   Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio :)

   I'm thinking that the only good mornings are the ones that start in the afternoon.

   But officer, I wasn't texting while driving! I was updating my status!

   Hi. I'm in a staff meeting. There are 62 ceiling tiles in our meeting room, 6 light fixtures with 24 fluorescent bulbs. That is all.

   Before you get into a fist fight look the other person in the eye and calmly say "I have enough money to bail myself out of jail. Do you?"

   keeps a fake journal claiming I've done monumental stuff, so if I ever develop amnesia, I'm gonna think I'm freakin' AWESOME!

   Have you ever watched birds and wondered: "If I could fly who would I crap on first?"

   Everyone has that moment of terror when their line of thinking goes from "Where did I park my car?" to "Did someone steal my f*cking car?"

   Just when I start to think mankind will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 15 minutes.