Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dad always told me "Theres 4 kinds of people, Those who can count and those who cant"

   I expect Twitter to remain mostly the same under Elon except it’ll somehow get massive federal subsidies and occasionally burst into flames

   If you think your life can't get any worse, just remember this. you could be Mike Tyson in a Chinese restaurant trying to order the Sweet and Sour Shrimp.

   Some one wrote on the back of my neighbors work van, ' Wish my wife was this dirty'.... so under it I wrote ' She and her boyfriend is when you are at work

   My car's a little dirty so one of my co-workers wrote "Wash me" on it. So, I took my key and scratched in, "Touch me up" on his car.

   Last year's most expensive vehicle to operate was the Apollo Lunar Roving Vehicle. This year it is the Grocery Cart.

   Now, all we need is Nancy to be home

   I hate it when TV shows say "Adult Content" but then don't show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up after the kids...

   I no longer want to go through things that don't kill me but make me stronger.

   A Karen just yelled at me in a parking lot that dressing up as a hobo for Halloween is offensive to the homeless people. But I was just wearing my regular clothes.

   I have plenty of mini boxes of raisins for the Trick-Or-Treaters. (Yeah, I'm THAT guy...)

   Dear Autocorrect: It's never "duck." It is NEVER "duck."

   I saw this kid dressed as Batman. He was walking around with his alive parents. What a poser.

   When people dressed like witches, strippers and hobos show up at my front door it must be Halloween because my family reunion was in July. 🤔

   Tonight I'm Invisible Man for Halloween, as in you won't see me at any of your parties.

   Saw this kid dressed as Dracula so I played along and stabbed him with a wooden stake, his mom was not happy

   there hasnt been a status with more upvotes then downvotes since 8-18 aka 75 days ago

   I hate it when TV shows say "Adult Content" but then don't show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up after the kids... jest sayin

   Dang, I hope that wasn't something we needed... (me vacuuming the bedroom)

   Walmart will be closed on Thanksgiving so self-checkout cashiers can be with their families.