Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just once, I wish WebMD would tell me to "relax...it's only gas".

   Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

   2 years ago I forgot to get halloween candy so I put a bowl out with some pre rolled joints ! I got 6 kids ! Last year , 673 stoners got chips

   Right and wrong are not for sure The castle made of sand will fall One thing is certain Heart and heart

   If you swear an oath to always use the same furniture polish, do you have to recite the Allegiance of Pledge?

   Hey, Baby is your name Pfizer? Because you make my heart stop.

   my parents didn’t raise an idiot I actually did that all by myself

   I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

   Probably switching from Verizon. Sent my wife a text saying “I’m your lover forever and I owe you all my affection” and their stupid autocorrect changed it to “I have liver failure and I owe you all my affliction”

   I once had a job with the FBI's Hostage Negotiation Team. Every time I tried to call in sick they talked me out of it.

   Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

   I’m creating a new perfume for introverts. It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

   Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

   I was in line at Wal-Mart and the customer in front of me had a perfectly trimmed, full, beautiful mustache, so I commented and paid a kind compliment. Then out of nowhere, she grabbed her purse, gave me a dirty look, and stormed off. Some people.....

   At age 90 William Shatner became the oldest person to go to space, when he paid to go on the Blue Origin capsule. I just wanna know if he bought his ticket on Priceline.com....

   This new deodorant label said "remove cap and push up bottom". Now my armpits still stink and my buttcheeks burn, but every time I pass gas the room smells like Old Spice...

   Cooking Tip #142: If you use a good quality olive oil in a shallow non-stick pan, it will help the Kale to slide off much faster into the garbage can where it belongs....

   Costco - the only store you go into for cheap toilet paper and come out with 40 pounds of cheese, 3-dozen muffins, and a 5-gallon bucket of Tide Pods...

   Not sure what kinda jokes get a laugh in here, but wow - haven't seen one with more likes than unlikes in months - tough crowd these days. I guess it's just a sign of the times....

   I felt a great disturbance in the Force within this group - as if a hemorrhoid outbreak of epic proportions suddenly stole the sense of humor from every soul in here, and the likes and laughs were suddenly silenced..... ~Obi-Wan