Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

   thinks copy and paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy and paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy and paste is the greatest...

   Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.

   ™ is a registered trademark. All unauthorized reproduction and distribution will lead to prosecution.

   somewhat skepitical you're laughing out loud as much as you claim.

   My alarm clock and I had a fight. It wanted me to get up, I refused. Things escalated. Now I'm awake & it's broken. Not sure who won the fight

   out of order until further notice. We apologize for the inconvenience.

   ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95

   stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

   growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

   saw a one armed man in a second hand store the other day.

   The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

   wonders When did LuLuLemon become the preferred clothing line for overweight and out of shape people?

   The first cigarette I ever had I smoked behind Grandpa's barn. It made me dizzy, and I coughed a lot. "Don't worry, that always happens with the first one," said Grandpa. "Try another one." And you know, he was right.~Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

   When I was seven, I told my friend Timmy Barker I would give him a million dollars if he would eat an earthworm. He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million dollars. As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840.

   Rocks!!♫ ♪ ılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılı ♪ ♫

   just got his swine flu shot. It's made with real bits of swine, so you know it's good.

   Went downtown today and instead of trick or treating I saw some women offering trick and Gonorrea for 10 bucks.

   will go slighty out of her way to step on a crunchy-looking leaf

   "the greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally makeup the source.” – George Washington