Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
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08-02-2022 14:20
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My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
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08-02-2022 14:21
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Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
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08-02-2022 14:22
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The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
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08-02-2022 14:23
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I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
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08-02-2022 14:24
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If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
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08-02-2022 14:25
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Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
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08-03-2022 01:21
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My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
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08-03-2022 01:22
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My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
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08-03-2022 01:22
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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
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08-03-2022 01:23
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When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
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08-03-2022 01:23
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I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it.
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08-03-2022 01:24
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Establish dominance by asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
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08-03-2022 01:24
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Got up at 5am, 8 mile run completed, made a vegetable smoothie for breakfast…. Can’t remember the rest of the dream.
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08-03-2022 01:25
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When someone is telling a sad story and crying, how long should you wait before taking a bite of your corndog?
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08-03-2022 01:25
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Not seeing a single action figure at the adult toy store.
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08-03-2022 01:26
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"I didn't say I was going to Taiwan. I said I was going to 'tie one on'." -Nancy Pelosi
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08-03-2022 08:16
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I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
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08-03-2022 09:30
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Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
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08-03-2022 09:31
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I’m not so much 50 as I am 5 10-year-olds held together by ibuprofen, Ben-Gay, and weed resin.
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08-03-2022 09:31
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