Funny Status Messages

   My wife asked me for the Chapstick. I accidently handed her a Gluestick. Now she's not speaking to me.

   Have you ever loved someone so much that you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and have them also to yourself? Well, apparently that is called kidnapping.

   I just threw a rock at a guy who was getting Subway breakfast. He understood why.

   I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

   Stop with the filters already – I just had to zoom in to see if you had a nose.

   To stay healthy this April, starting tomorrow I'm only going to eat the white part of the Cadbury creme eggs.

   In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. In the middle of opportunity lies me, taking a nap.

   Guns don't kill people. Abortionists do.

   Am I crazy, or does Marjorie Taylor Greene look exactly like Dog the Bounty Hunter?

   At age 90 William Shatner became the oldest person to go to space, when he paid to go on the Blue Origin capsule. I just wanna know if he bought his ticket on Priceline.com....

   Costco - the only store you go into for cheap toilet paper and come out with 40 pounds of cheese, 3-dozen muffins, and a 5-gallon bucket of Tide Pods...

   Due to all that's been happening lately, I have no choice but to deduct 2 stars from my original TripAdvisor review of Earth.

   michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

   The State of Indiana should open an anonymous sperm bank called ‘Hoosier Daddy.’

   Some guy asked me why scuba divers always fall backwards into the water. I told him if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat.

   When she's hot but she can't cook... Ok, Kim DoorDashian.

   If global warming was causing guns to melt, we'd all be driving electric cars within two weeks.

   Wish I could have went to the Ariana Grande concert, I heard it was a blast.

   If I gotta wait a half hour after eating before getting in the pool, let’s face it, I’m never getting in the pool.

   I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.....The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.... Feeling better today